So, let’s take stock of a few things. It’s now over a year since my life broke, and it’s still not back together again. Some days that eventual goal of getting “back on track” feels a million miles away, over a range of insurmountable obstacles and, after all that, hanging tantalisingly just out of reach over a pit of spikes with scorpions on the ends of them. (Pretty redundant, I know, but hey, I didn’t design the nightmare. Oh wait, I did.)

Things are a bit better than they were this time last year, of course. I don’t wake up at 5pm and want to spend the day either crying or breaking things. I still get sad, sure — who doesn’t? Though some get more sad than others. And I don’t feel angry — at least, not in the same way I did this time last year. I sometimes get angry at the situation I’m still in — upset, resentful, frustrated that life sometimes feels to be going nowhere and that I feel like an incompetent 12 year old rather than a 30 year old with one hell of a lot to offer the world. But then I’ve always had something of a sense of self-doubt and an inferiority complex. I’m not sure that’s even the right description — I know I’m good at stuff. I just sometimes feel that I’m not as good at them as other people — whether it’s simple, stupid things like holding a conversation, or complex, specialised things like playing the piano or writing stuff.

“Believe in yourself,” is the thing to think in that situation. “You can do it. You are awesome.” And it works for a while, until something comes along to kick you in the balls and set you back to square one. To be fair, said kicks in the balls haven’t happened for quite some time and hopefully I’ve seen the last of them. But, as I say, this time last year, I found myself kicked in the balls by life, repeatedly, and it still smarts now.

“Other people have it far worse,” is the thing to think in that situation. But you know what? I don’t care. Other people do have it worse. But right now, I couldn’t give a toss. You can be too altruistic, too much of a nice person, focus on the wellbeing of others and neglect yourself. Good things have started to happen for me, but I want more. I’ve put up with shit for too long. It’s okay to be selfish.

So with that in mind, I strongly hope that today represents a stride forward on the road to recovery. The job interview I mentioned yesterday was an enjoyable, pleasant experience that I feel went well. I feel quietly confident that it was a positive thing that happened today, and should I find myself offered the position in question I will happily take it without a second thought, grabbing life by the horns and bending it to my will rather than feeling sorry for myself.

Because, frankly, I’ve had enough of crap. Crap can go take a running jump off a very tall cliff with a physically-improbable spiky rock arrangement at the bottom. Bring on the awesome.

Please.