Andie and I often fall asleep with the TV on its sleep timer, typically tuned to the inoffensive endless repeats of late-night Dave or the ’80s and ’90s quiz shows of Challenge. This means that we’re continually exposed to some of the most stupid adverts in the known universe, what with the majority of channels on Freeview being commercial rather than licensepayer-funded.

We’ve already discussed the utter bollocks that is Alpen’s “Characters” series of skits that bookend most of Dave’s late night comedy offerings, so I won’t reiterate that too much, particularly since there doesn’t appear to be any clips of it on YouTube.

I will, however, discuss a few other things. Let’s begin with this.

This is clever, you see, because it’s for Gaviscon Double Action, and it’s got two people in it. One suffers from one of the things Gaviscon Double Action treats, and the other suffers from the other thing Gaviscon Double Action treats. Except when they suffer from the other thing instead. Or both of them. Making the whole “twins” thing inherently pointless and the whole advert just looking rather stupid.

Leaving aside the dreadful play on words “carfuffle”, let’s ponder the question this advert asks: “do the words ‘headless’ and ‘chicken’ spring to mind?”

No! No they do not! I can honestly say at no time in my life have I ever felt like a headless chicken when looking for a new car. It can be a tedious and time-consuming process, sure, but something that gets you running around in a panic? No.

Social media is big, right? Streaming video is big, right? Let’s make a mockup social media site of women who make videos about getting stains out of clothes! That won’t look at all patronising!

This is… just shit.

Look, it’s funny because women worry about leaving shitstains on the toilet, too. And there’s a “clever” play on words at the end.

“There’s nothing nicer than waking from a great night’s sleep,” says Lenny Henry.

I beg to differ. Sleeping is great. And I particularly won’t want to get out of bed if I wake up and find my bed is on a fucking beach. Or in the middle of a wedding party. I’m not entirely sure what point they’re trying to make here. Perhaps when you go to sleep in a Premier Inn you feel like you’re in the middle of a wedding party.

Confused.com have had some legendarily shit ad campaigns over the years, but “Brian” really takes the cake. This ad also highlights a bugbear I have with modern advertising: the age-old art of the jingle appears to be dead, on TV at least, with modern ads tending to bastardise old, often beloved pieces of music rather than come up with their own original music.

(Jingles are not entirely dead, mind you; if you want to hear some truly awful but hideously catchy advertising jingles, I recommend tuning in to your local radio station at the earliest available opportunity. Lovett’s move on up! Lovett’s move on up! Lovett’s move on up… ahem.)

I think I’ve made my point for now. Adverts are shit. And inescapable. Good night.