Tag: adolescence

1955: Always Out of Time

I’ve become somewhat convinced that I’m doomed to be forever “out of step” with where someone of my age — whatever it is at the time — is “supposed” to be.

I’ve been aware of this since I was a kid. While I had some friends in my peer group — many of whom are still friends today, and some of whom are even attending my wedding next month — when I was younger, I always found myself gravitating towards people who were older than me.

There were a few reasons for this, depending on who the person in question was, but mostly it was due to the fact that I never quite felt like I “fit in” with my peer group. I wasn’t into football, I didn’t know much about popular music — I was mercilessly mocked for my first ever album purchase being Oasis’ Definitely Maybe literally a day before (What’s the Story?) Morning Glory came out — and I was into things that were seen as a bit… I don’t know, specialist? Nerdy? Music (i.e. playing and composing, rather than popular) and computer games, mainly — and while I did have some friends who shared at least some of these interests, I always found myself wondering if I was a bit more into these things than they were.

And so it was I found myself being able to relate somewhat better to people who were a little older and less susceptible to that bugbear of adolescence, peer pressure. My brother’s girlfriend at the time — some ten years my senior — helped me discover a love for tabletop and role-playing games through Hero Quest and Space Crusade. Certain friends of my parents proved to be more appreciative of my musical skills than my peer group. And I always wanted to hang out with my brother and his friends whenever they were around — even though I was also aware that I was the annoying little brother.

I find myself comparing how I was then to how I am now, and realise that I am now in almost the inverse situation: just recently, I am finding myself relating to and getting along with people somewhat younger than myself rather than, again, my peer group.

At thirty-four years of age, there’s less in the way of “peer pressure” in the same way there was at school, but in a way it’s still there in a more insidious form. People I know are getting married, buying houses and even having kids — I’ve done two out of those three things, and don’t have any intention of doing the other in the immediate future — and there’s always this slight undercurrent feeling like I should be more “grown up” than I am.

Part of this anxiety comes from my woes in the job market over the years. Of my past employment, I was made redundant from one, signed off sick with stress from the next, bullied out of the one after, quit before I killed myself with the following one, made redundant again with the one after that, screwed over at short notice with the one after that and ultimately, again, bullied out of another job, partly as a result of my depression and anxiety issues. So it’s fair to say that all that has mounted up somewhat and made me feel more than a bit inadequate and “behind” where I “should” be at the age of thirty-four.

In a way, though, I also don’t want to “grow up”. I love the things I love, and I feel like the things I’ve discovered I love most recently are things that speak to me pretty much more than anything I’ve been into in the past. And exploring those things a step at a time has brought me into contact with a variety of new, exciting and interesting people whom I’m keen to get to know a bit better, as they seem to kind of “get” me. Or, at least, “get” the stuff I’m into.

Thing is — and I don’t know for certain, but have strong suspicions — these people are quite a bit younger than me. Oh, they’re not schoolkids or anything like that, I hasten to add — most are in their early to mid twenties, I believe — but I am conscious of it. And I’m grateful to them for — so far, at least — accepting me for who I am and not giving a shit about my age as much as I apparently do.

So is all this a problem? I couldn’t say. It’s just been on my mind a bit recently — I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now. Ultimately I can’t help but feel that doing things that make you happy and sane are more important than the things society says you “should” be doing at any given age. And so, until I find myself in a situation where it’s simply impossible to — and I hope that day never comes — I plan on staying just the way I am for now, and see where life takes me from here.

#oneaday, Day 97: Ding! Growing Up

I reached level 80 in World of Warcraft today. This is the first time in any MMORPG that I’ve reached the level cap, and the character with whom I achieved it is the one I started playing on the day the game was released. My friend Tim also reached the milestone in the early hours of this morning, having originally started at the same time as me.

For those who have never got into an MMORPG, talk of reaching the level cap being “just the beginning” of the experience sounds like absolute nonsense. After all, reaching the level cap in a single-player RPG just means that you don’t need to grind any more and can zip through the rest of the story with ease. But reaching 80 in Warcraft, or 50 in City of Heroes, or the rather more casual-player friendly 20 in Guild Wars, is simply a sign of maturity.

In fact, the whole “levelling up as metaphor for life” idea is, on reflection, quite a potent one. Bear with me on this one.

You’re born. You come into the world knowing nothing about it. Everything is new to you. You spend your time exploring, finding out how to do things. Some things you find out for yourself, others you are taught. You’re weak and feeble. You often need help doing things. You make friends. You quickly learn the people to avoid. And all the time, you are learning, growing stronger.

As time goes on, you eventually reach a stage where you have outgrown your home. It doesn’t offer you any challenges any more, so you move on. You say a fond farewell to the familiar surroundings of your home and spread your wings, and during this time you continue to learn new things. Your challenges become greater, and you sometimes still need help, but at other times you can do things for yourself. On the occasions where you return home, everything suddenly feels much smaller. Things which once offered you a huge amount of challenge are now mere trifles to be knocked aside as you pass through.

Time passes. You continue to learn and grow. You move further and further away from your home until you eventually reach a stage where you feel like the world is your oyster. There are still some challenges which seem insurmountable, even with help, but you are feeling more independent. You still feel that you have a lot to learn, and you run into people who have more experience than you regularly, but you know that you are much more capable of finding things out for yourself.

Eventually, after what feels like an extremely long journey, you reach maturity. You are independent. You can go anywhere, you can do anything. You could co-operate with others for a common good. Or you could pursue your own personal goals. You could take possession of bigger and better things to help you become stronger, but there’s nothing more for you to learn. But there are still challenges to overcome. Challenges of your own deciding.

In Warcraft, reaching 80 is reaching maturity. You can go anywhere and do anything. There are no new skills or spells to learn, no way of working to become stronger. It’s all up to you and your possessions to prove your worth. And at this point, being an “adult”, other people start to look up to you. The people who are still at the beginning of their journey look at you, seemingly at the end of yours, and believe that you are someone who knows what they are doing. But you might not. Just because you’ve negotiated the perils of childhood, puberty, adolescence and young adulthood doesn’t mean that you know everything. You might not want to be a leader. You might still want someone to tell you what to do, even though you’re theoretically strong enough to make it on your own.

I often find that online games tend to reflect social values quite nicely. Past experiences with Second Life, in particular, have been interesting, but the same thing happens in Warcraft. I’m nearly thirty years old, but in my daily life I still don’t feel like a “leader”. I’d feel weird if I was placed in charge of a group of people, and it’s the same when I join a party in Warcraft. I don’t have the experience of leadership, though I do have other skills. So I wouldn’t want to be the one bossing a party or a raid around, but I’m happy to follow orders and give my own ideas. It’s the same in reality – I’m happy to follow someone else’s instructions and suggestions, and occasionally chip in myself, but were I to be in charge of a group of people? I’m not sure how I’d handle that.

I guess my past work in teaching is technically a “leadership” role, so I have done it in the past. And I’m completely comfortable showing people how to do things, or explaining things to them. I think the thing which I find most difficult is being decisive on behalf of other people. I fear looking stupid in front of others, or deciding something that turns out not to be of mutual benefit to everyone. So I defer to others. Now, admittedly, in real life you’re unlikely to suffer a “wipe” as a result of a bad decision you made. But there are other ways that things can go wrong. Feelings can be hurt. You can find yourself in a situation you’re not sure how to get out of. Worse, you can feel you’ve trapped other people in a situation you don’t know how to get out of.

Decisiveness is clearly an art to learn, whether you’re a level 80 mage or a level 0 everyman. And there’s no class trainer to help you with that one!