1042: Chapter 25

I stood up and looked around. All was quiet and peaceful. I was disoriented. I couldn’t tell whether it was night or day; whether I had just woken up or if I was hallucinating. I glanced over to where the clock radio should be, but the display was blank.

There was a momentary sound like radio static, and the surroundings of my bedroom disappeared, only to be replaced by the empty, darkened corridors of the college.

No-one was here. I could see a hint of daylight off in the distance, but no evidence that anyone was alive; no evidence that this building had not been abandoned for years.

The static sound again; this time, the corridors were replaced by the darkened, foul-smelling innards of the long-forgotten supermarket. There was no-one here, either, and the stench of the spoiled food was overpowering.

Static again; this time a place I’d passed by many times before but hadn’t given a second thought — the bridge over the river on the way from my house to the centre of town.

I stood still, waiting for the static sound and another sudden shift, but it didn’t come.

There was a dark mist in the air, though looking up at the sky I could tell it was still daytime. There were no cars on the street, though, and not a soul to be seen in any direction.

I was standing in the middle of the road, a place I’d passed many times before in Laura’s car or on the bus but had barely noticed at all. I walked over to the edge of the bridge and looked down. It was a long drop into the water below. The water didn’t look normal, either; it seemed to be a swirling mass of darkness from which there’d be no return if you jumped.

I shivered slightly. The thought of jumping off this bridge had never even occurred to me in the past, but now it was at the forefront of my mind, as if someone was urging me on to mount the barriers at the side of the road and just let myself fall.

“No,” I said, even though there was no-one to hear me. My voice sounded very hollow and lifeless in the empty surroundings.

Was this Alice’s world? It certainly fit the description. There was no-one around, and there was an almost palpable aura of loneliness about the place. I imagined my sister walking these streets by herself, that defiant expression on her face, and I felt a tear fall from my eye.

The silent urging to leap into the miasma below continued in the back of my mind. I ignored it.

“No,” I said again. “No!” I shouted, louder. “No!” I cried. My voice echoed in the empty streets.

The static sound again, and suddenly I was sitting back in the cinema next to Laura, who looked completely engrossed in the film. I gasped, and she turned to face me in surprise.

“You okay?” she said. “It’s not THAT exciting.”

I looked around. There was no evidence that I’d been anywhere. Was all that in my head?

“Yeah,” I said, “No, I’m… I’m just going to step out for a moment.”

I made my excuses, walked out into the lobby and headed for the bathroom. The lights were on and the staff were standing around looking bored, but there didn’t seem to be any other members of the public here. It was quiet and peaceful, but not the lonely sort of deserted in the landscapes I’d just seen.

I entered the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I had bags under my eyes, and my face was pale. I looked ill. I felt ill.

I ran the cold tap for a little while and washed my hands, then splashed the cold water on my face. The experience I’d just had meant that I wasn’t quite sure if I was asleep or awake, so this was a vain attempt to figure it out. It didn’t help.

I sighed and looked at myself again, staring deep into my own tired-looking eyes.

“This is getting too much,” I said. “This needs to end.”

“I quite agree,” said Aril, stepping out of one of the toilet cubicles. I jumped and turned to face him.

“Jesus,” I said, my pulse racing. I wasn’t sure how many more frights I could take today. “What are you… actually, no, I’m not sure I want to know.”

Aril ignored me. “You want this to end, right?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“And you’re starting to figure some things out, right?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said. It was true. Though there were almost as many unanswered questions as there were things I was starting to get a handle on.

“Then we need to start preparing for the end,” he said.

“The end?” I asked. He was being mysterious, and I didn’t like the… finality of the words he was using.

“Yes,” he said. “The end. If you want this to end, it makes sense that you need to prepare for the end, right?” He sounded exasperated.

“Oh,” I said. “Right. Yeah. That makes sense.”

He sniffed and scratched his cheek.

“The only way you can reach an answer is by yourself,” he said. “Alice and I are here to support you, but that last step has to be yours alone.”

“Uh,” I said. I didn’t really know exactly what “step” he was referring to.

“You know what I’m talking about,” he said.

“No,” I said. “I’m not sure I do.”

“Are you sure about that?” said Aril. “Think about what you’ve experienced today.”

I thought back over what had happened. I had no idea what was real and what was just in my mind any more. Everything overlapped and blended into each other like wet paints on a canvas. Only there wasn’t a clear picture forming; just a mass of colours, none of which made any sense, and none of which seemed more “right” than others.

I contemplated the feelings I had experienced on the bridge. A strong, hard to resist urge to launch myself into the dark miasma of the river below, perhaps never to be seen again. Something was telling me to do that, but at the same time, part of myself felt like it was holding me back, that it would be a terrible idea.

“Think,” said Aril. “You’re getting somewhere.”

I pictured the bridge.

Suddenly, the static sound again, and I was there, standing in the middle of the road. Aril was leaning against one of the pillars at the side, gazing at me nonchalantly.

“Right,” he said. “Now what?”

I said nothing and looked around. Aril was the only soul around; the only movement in any direction.

“Do you want to jump?” he said.

“No,” I said immediately.

“Why not?” he said.

“I don’t know,” I said.

Or did I?

I thought about this for a moment, and walked to the side again. I looked over the barrier, and down to the water below, which still looked like an evil black miasma rather than normal water.

I knew in my heart that if I jumped into there, I wouldn’t be coming back.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“No,” I said.

“I’ll ask again,” he said. “Do you want to jump?”

“No,” I said.

“You sound pretty sure,” he said. “Why not?”

I thought as hard as I could. Why didn’t I want to jump? Why didn’t I just want to disappear? It would be so much easier if I just wasn’t here any more. After all, no-one needed me. No-one cared about me. I was all alone. I had nothing, and no-one.

I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind.

When I opened them again, I saw things a little differently.

“No,” I said out loud, knowing that Aril had been listening to my thoughts. “That’s not true at all, is it?”

“You tell me,” said Aril.

“It’s not true that no-one needs me,” I said. “It’s not true that no-one cares about me. I have you. And Alice. And Laura.”

“Is that enough?” he asked.

“No,” I said. The sudden, natural response that came out of my mouth without me having to even think about it surprised me. “No, it’s not enough.”

“And why not?” he asked.

“Because,” I said. “Because none of this is real, is it? You’re not really here. I’m not really here. Alice isn’t really here. All of this is some deranged fantasy conjured up by that chaos beast, whatever it is, and it’s driving me crazy!”

I started to shout, and I could feel my cheeks getting hot as I became angry.

Was I really being toyed with like this? Was everything that I had experienced so far a lie? It certainly didn’t feel like it, but something in my mind was telling me that it was true.

“Oh, we’re here all right,” he said, a slight note of menace in his voice. “But perhaps you still have a little way to go before you completely understand the situation.”

“What?” I asked. “What don’t I understand yet? What is to understand? This is chaos we’re talking about! Chaos! Its very nature is that it is unpredictable and difficult to understand! It’s irrational! It doesn’t make any sense! And I’m sick of it!”

Aril smiled at me.

“Let me ask you a question,” he said. “What is it that you want?”

I just stared at him, my fists still clenched from my previous outburst.

“What?” I asked.

“What is it that you want?” he repeated. “What is your desire, right now? What do you want to do? Where do you want to be? What, more than anything, do you want to happen?”

“I want…” I paused and considered this for a moment. What did I want?

The answer came quickly.

*

It was dark. The low murmur of the guy talking about some play on the radio was putting me to sleep — particularly when coupled with the hum of the engine and the pattering of the rain on the windscreen and the roof. It was fairly peaceful, but the back seat wasn’t very comfortable and I was starting to feel my usual sensation of travel sickness. I wasn’t sure when I started getting it, but it was always unpleasant. It just made me want to curl up in a corner and groan, and that’s not really practical when you’re sitting in the back of a car — not least because my mother usually told me to sit up, and also because Alice was sitting on the other side of the back seat, sound asleep. I doubted she’d have appreciated my head in her lap. I was pretty sure she’d only been dragged along on this trip to pick me up because my mother was paranoid about leaving her in the house by herself.

I closed my eyes. The car gave an occasional bump on uneven parts of the road, but the motion was mostly fairly relaxing.

“So, did you have a good time?” I heard my mother’s voice saying. “You look exhausted. Hope you didn’t spend all your time drinking and carousing.”

“No,” I grunted, in a vain attempt to try and close off the conversation before it began. I really wasn’t in the mood.

“So what was the best bit?” she asked.

“I’m not sure,” I said. “It was all pretty fun.”

I was going to think back on what had occurred over the last few days, but the bubbling feeling in my stomach wasn’t going away, so I just found myself thinking about that. Thinking about it didn’t help, of course, since focusing on it just made the feelings worse. The more conscious I was of them, the more I thought I was going to throw up. I tried to think about something — anything — else.

“Oh, come on, Jan,” said my father slightly irritably. “Can’t you see he’s knackered? Let him rest. We’ve got a long drive ahead of us, and I’m sure we can talk about it in the morning.”

“Sorry! Sorry!” said my mother in a mock-flustered tone, as if she had somehow offended me with her questions. “I’ll shut up.”

My father didn’t rise to her bait, and instead turned the radio up. Whatever it was the voice was talking about was terribly boring, but I was thankful for the distraction — both for my own gurgling stomach and from my mother’s incessant questioning. She never did quite know when to stop.

A few minutes passed, and no-one except the droning bore on the radio said anything. I was aware of Alice stirring beside me, but she didn’t wake up. Eventually the programme came to an end, and it was time for the news. The radio gave the distinctive “pips” that signalled it was on the hour, and the newsreader announced that it was two o’ clock in the morning. I didn’t really listen to the bulletin; the smooth, soothing voice of the female newsreader washed over me and made me relax.

Patterns swirled behind my eyes. I recognised this as a sure sign I was tired. I knew that if I opened my eyes again, those patterns would still be there; hypnotic, washing over my vision. I focused on them, trying to make sense of them, and felt my consciousness slowly, gradually drifting away. I was falling asleep at last. Hopefully by the time I woke up again, we’d be home and I could just get into bed.

I don’t know how long I slept for, but I was awoken with a start by a sudden noise. It was my mother screaming. My eyes snapped open, but it took a moment for me to figure out what was going on. My mother was frantically grabbing for the steering wheel and there, in the driver’s seat, where my father should have been… was no-one at all. At least, that’s what it seemed like.

I blinked, and he was back again, wrestling with the wheel. But it was too late. The car was in a skid, and it was heading for the barrier at the side of the road. I didn’t know what was beyond it as it was still dark, but I had a bad feeling. I looked over at Alice, who was fully awake, and staring at me with absolute terror in her eyes.

The car, which was still moving at a fair speed, crashed straight through the barrier and into the blackness beyond. I felt the world spin sideways, and I knew that there was a drop beyond the barrier. I didn’t know how big it was or how long we would fall, but I knew that we were probably not coming back from it.

My stomach felt like it was in my mouth as the car went into freefall, still spinning and rolling in the air. The world felt like it was in slow motion. I wanted to look around, to work out what was going on, but I couldn’t — I was being thrown around too much.

I couldn’t hear anything. I was sure my mother, father and sister were both screaming in terror at the inevitable fate that seemed to await us, but somehow everything seemed to be muted; a silent, frightening world with no future.

The last sounds I heard were shattering glass, crumpling metal and the sickening crunch of bones.

I blacked out.

I don’t know how long I was out for, but I woke up. And somehow, miraculously, despite the devastation around me, I was fine.

I crawled out of the shattered window.

And I ran.