1012: Indisputable Measure of Quality

I can tell when an iOS app or game is genuinely good — I keep it on my phone after I’ve finished reviewing it.

For my day job, I spend an awful lot of time trawling through iOS games and apps of various descriptions and quality levels. There are some true gems among them, and there is some complete bollocks, too — and not just in gaming. I’ve lost count of the number of utterly pointless and unnecessary mobile-social networks I’ve come across in just the last few weeks, for example, and you’d be surprised how many Instagram clones there are out there.

On the gaming front, I’ve played too many completely shallow card-battle games to count — so many, in fact, that I’ve actually forgotten the name of most of them as they all blend into one another so much — and far too many isometric-perspective citybuilders that have absolutely no strategy whatsoever. I was also very disappointed to discover that the upcoming My Little Pony mobile game from Gameloft will be — you guessed it — an isometric-perspective citybuilder. Fuck.

But the amount of utter garbage on the App Store makes the titles that are actually good worth celebrating. As such, I’d like to present you with a breakdown of everything that is currently installed on my iPhone. I haven’t necessarily played or used some of these recently, but I like to keep them around because they have either been useful/fun in the past, or simply because I feel “attached” to them. Or in some cases, I’ve just forgotten that they’re on there.

Here we go, then. In no particular order… well, all right, in the order they’re in on my disorganised home screen:

• Google+ — official mobile app for Google’s oft-ridiculed-but-actually-rather-good social network. Beautifully-designed app in my opinion, though said design is a bit divisive.
• Facebook — official mobile app for the world’s most popular social network. The app may be a bit clunky and festooned with obtrusive “sponsored links”, but it’s finally become a reasonably solid experience.
• WordPress — official app for the service this blog is hosted on. The app is reasonably good, but limited compared to the Web interface. It also lacks a word count facility, which annoys me more than I thought it would.
• Skype — not actually sure why I still have this installed. In fact, I’ll delete it right now.
• imo.im — my instant messaging client of choice. Supports most protocols you’d care to think of, including Skype.
• Formspring — I haven’t used Formspring for ages but occasionally it’s fun to answer silly questions. The app makes that easy to do on the go.
• LinkedIn — also not entirely sure why I have this installed, given that I never use LinkedIn. Time to delete!
• Steam — official mobile app for Valve’s digital storefront and social client. Seems to lack push notifications, but otherwise quite useful to get in touch with friends for whom Steam is a reliable point of contact.
• Comic Touch — old app that hasn’t been updated for ages, but features some fun, silly camera effects and the ability to add annotations and speech bubbles. Mobile version of the software I use to create the comic strips on this blog.
• Instagram — still the best pretentious photography app in the world.
• Snapseed — a genuinely excellent and surprisingly powerful photo manipulation app.
• Brushes — best paint program for iPhone, bar none.
• Evernote — probably the most solid “cloud notebook” solution there is, particularly now it is compatible with a bunch of other apps.
• Bump — I never use this any more, but it carries positive associations of a very dear friend with it, so I’ve kept it around.
• Air Sharing — handy little Wi-Fi file sharing app, allowing transfer of files between computer and iPhone easily. Also has built-in image viewer, media player and whatnot.
• iDisk — urgh. FUCK YOU APPLE for removing the most useful thing about MobileMe.
• Red Laser Classic — occasionally useful for price-checking while you’re out and about, though you inevitably don’t have mobile signal when you’re in a Waterstones.
• HippoRemote Lite — an excellent, reliable and free virtual trackpad/keyboard that can be used to control computers.
• Box — I signed up for a Box account when someone tweeted one of those special offer links. I don’t think I’ve used it, but it’s handy to know it’s there if I need it.
• MotionX-Dice — no longer available, but an excellent virtual (six-sided) dice app.
• Night Stand — my favourite app that puts a big clock on your screen. Not sure this version is still available.
• Lloyds TSB — convenient access to mobile banking, though the app itself is a bit shit.
• Primrose — strange and addictive puzzle game by Jason Rohrer of Passage fame.
• WordFu — a game you should not start playing on the toilet.
• Scramble CE — Didn’t realise I still had this installed. Superceded by Scramble with Friends, which I can no longer be bothered to play.
• Bejeweled Blitz — Still a fine toilet game, even with the increasingly-obtrusive monetization.
• Spelltower — a brilliant little word puzzle game.
• Fruit Ninja — probably no introduction needed. Slice fruit, have fun.
• Tilt to Live — one of the best games iOS has ever seen, and certainly a game with one of the best soundtracks of all time. Known as “Try Not to Die” by my friend Woody, who can never remember the name of it.
• DoDonPachi Resurrection — spectacular, wonderful bullet hell shooter with an outstanding soundtrack, gorgeous graphics and a touchscreen control scheme that works really well.
• Mushihimesama Bug Panic — curious top-down action-adventure shooter from the DoDonPachi developers.
• Groove Coaster — one of the best rhythm games ever.
• Gridrunner — fantastic new version of one of Jeff Minter’s classic games.

(Jesus. I didn’t realise I had quite so much crap on here. No wonder I never have any space left. Continuing…)

• RogueTouch — An excellent iOS version of the original Rogue.
• Sword of Fargoal — Fantastic reimagining of a Commodore 64 roguelike classic.
• 100 Rogues — Possibly the best roguelike on the App Store. Apart from Sword of Fargoal and Rogue Touch.
• Frotz — Interpreter for text adventures and interactive fiction. Comes with access to a whole bunch of old and new classics.
• Various board game adaptations: Catan, Blokus, Carcassonne, Ascension, Bohnanza, Ticket to Ride, Elder Sign
• Necronomicon Redux — Fun Cthulhu-themed card game.
• Hard Lines — Geometry Wars meets Snake.
• Bit.Trip BEAT — Pong with rhythm.
• Space Invaders: Infinity Gene — Very little to do with the original. But awesome.
• Shazam — occasionally useful, but one of those apps you inevitably don’t have mobile signal when you actually want to use.
• Apple Remote — occasionally useful when, say, I want to listen to music from my Mac while I’m on the toilet. Somewhat superceded by the use of iTunes Match.
• Spotify — it’s Spotify on my phone.
• Modizer — brilliant chiptune and MOD file player with access to a variety of downloadable selections.
• Instacast — nifty podcast discovery and subscription app.
• NanoStudio — portable music production lab. Should probably play with this more than I have.
• Netflix — it’s Netflix on my phone.
• Co-Pilot GPS — this satnav app has never steered me wrong.
• King of Dragon Pass — terrifyingly complex strategy game that I don’t really understand, but would very much like to someday.
• Starbase Orion — it’s Master of Orion on my phone.
• Game Dev Story — The only Kairosoft game that’s really consistently held my interest.
• Cardinal Quest — Actually, this is one of the best roguelikes on the App Store.
• Pages — Not really sure how practical this is on iPhone, but it’s nice to have it there.
• MyFitnessPal — useful calorie-tracking app that I should probably start using again sometime.
• RunKeeper — best run/cycle/walk-tracking app there is.
• Diptic — got this when it was free, never used it.
• Zookeeper Battle — see this post.
• Super Hexagon — the most irritating game in the world.
• Figure — cool little synth toy thing from the makers of Reason.
• Any.DO — excellent to-do app.
• Neon Blitz — surprisingly addictive, mindless little game.
• Crunchyroll — anime wherever I go!
• Ayakashi: Ghost Guild — for some reason, I am still playing this and attempting to determine why this has appealed to me where other card-battle games have failed. I think it’s the fact it actually has a story, and is presented pretty well. In-app purchases are far too expensive though.
• Rune Gems — excellent Shanghai-meets-match-3 puzzler.
• Rayman Jungle Run — best game on iOS, hands down. I will fight you if you disagree. Unless you cite Tilt to Live as the best game on iOS, in which case I will forgive you.
• YouTube — everyone bitched about the lack of the built-in iOS YouTube app, but Google struck back with a new one that is infinitely better than the previous crap which had barely been updated since iOS 1.0.
• MangaCamera — this is awesome fun. Just try it.
• Skitch — skitchy skitchy skitch!

WHY AM I STILL DOING THIS

• Crazy Taxi — YA YA YA YA YAAAAA
• Carmageddon — GOD DAMN MOTHER FU–
• Sonic Jump — BLING! BLING! BLING!
• Funky Smugglers — FUNK! FUNK! FUNK!

oh, thank God, my battery has died. Oh well. I’ll have to leave that there. Anyway. I hope you have found this list helpful, interesting or just, you know, eh. Whatever. I don’t know. I’m tired. Bugger off. *slumps face-first onto keyboard*