“You’re there,” she said, turning to me, her long hair whipping around as she span round to look at me. “You’re really there, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” I said. “I am.”
“Oh, God, Adam, I’ve missed you so much,” she said. “I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long. And now it’s here, I don’t know what to say. Just please tell me you’re not going to go away. Please tell me that.”
She’d stepped towards me, and I could see the tears in her eyes, sparkling in the dim light of the room. It was oddly beautiful.
“I’m not going to go away,” I said. “I’ve spent all this time trying to find you, and here I am.”
I reached out to touch her, but suddenly she was just out of reach. I hadn’t seen her move, but she was beyond my grasp. It was almost as if the room had extended to put some distance between us, but I knew that couldn’t be possible.
“Oh, Adam,” she said again, her voice quavering. “You have no idea how this feels. My heart is in my mouth. I don’t want to let this moment end. I don’t want to…”
She trailed off. What didn’t she want?
“What?” I asked. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m scared, Adam,” she said. “Because if you come back to me, it means I’ll have to face up to things… things that are difficult to deal with. And so will you.”
We need to talk about us, I thought grimly. But what followed those unnerving words?
“I know,” I said, trying to reach out to her once more but again finding her just out of reach. “I know, Evie. I can’t remember what’s happened, what led to this point. But it must have been something awful. But we’ll get through it, together. That’s what this has all been about, hasn’t it? Us.”
She was silent for a moment, then gives a choked sob. She bowed her head slightly, her hair casting a shadow over her face. The faint light seemed to be dimming a little. Perhaps the power was failing, or the bulb was going.
“Adam, I don’t know if you’re even aware of this, what might be going through your mind right now, but I need you to know something,” she said, her voice quavering as she said it. “I love you. I always have. I always will. I don’t expect that to mean anything after my moment of weakness, my betrayal that led to everything collapsing around us, but I needed to say it.”
Betrayal? That was a strong word. Was this something to do with her “mission”?
“What are you talking about, Evie?” I asked. “What… what did you do?”
She was silent again. It was obviously tough for her to talk about. The light flickered a little, then returned to stability. She turned away from me to face the light again. The halo around her hair was still fading as the light lost what little life it had left. But I could still see her — and she was still out of reach. I didn’t understand it. The room seemed to defy the laws of physics. She was right there, yet I couldn’t reach her to touch her, and I so longed to touch her. Fragments of memories floated through my mind, unorganised, telling me that I loved this woman deeply, that she was my everything. My world.
“Adam,” she said again. Every time she said my name I felt a shiver down my spine. “Adam, I’m so, so sorry.”
“I know you are, Evie,” I said. “But… look, this is going to sound strange but… I know you’re important to me, and I know we were together, but my memories, they…”
I stopped. She was full-on sobbing, taking big gulps of air and gasping for breath as the tears flowed freely. I wanted to take her in my arms, to hold her, to tell her everything was going to be all right, but I couldn’t. I felt like I was rooted to the spot, like someone had stuck superglue to my shoes, or like I was trapped inside an invisible casing, too heavy to move. It was a disconcerting feeling — no, frightening. Over the course of my journey, I’d come to discover how terrifying it was to lose control of yourself and just be able to watch as a passive observer as terrible things happened. I didn’t want that to happen now. I didn’t want that to happen ever again. But I knew that terrible power lay inside me, and right now I had a feeling I was more at risk of unleashing its terrible fury than ever.
“Adam,” she said again, her words punctuated with sobs. “Please forgive me. Please, please forgive me. We can try again. Start again. It’s not… it wasn’t… it wasn’t your fault. It was me. I was weak. I couldn’t… I can’t. I don’t. I… never meant to… I…”
I felt a knot in my stomach and I hoped something terrible wasn’t going to happen again. The feeling of unease and fear was turning into dread, and I knew that I had to keep a firm grasp on my sanity, to hold on, to be strong. My heart was thumping so hard I could hear it and feel it in my chest. I breathed deeply to try and control myself, but it was getting difficult.
There was a sparking, buzzing sound and the light spluttered a few times, plunging the room into total darkness for a split second. When it came back on again, she was still standing there. It flicked off again, and stayed off this time.
“Evie,” I said. “Evie!”
There was no response. The light flickered on for a moment, and she was gone. Then it died, and I was left in silent darkness once more to contemplate what had just happened.
Something seemed to click in my mind, like a thief suddenly finding the right combination to a safe.
And I remembered.
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