Man. There is some shit music around at the moment. I feel like I’ve been pointing this out for some time — perhaps I’m just too jaded to enjoy mainstream entertainment. But man. There is some shit music around at the moment.
I feel bad — due to Society’s Rules — pointing it out, but a hell of a lot of it is from black artists. To quote your average Daily Mail reader, I’m not being racist, but… it’s true. At the gym tonight I ran out of podcast and Spotify had inexplicably decided to delete all my offline playlists, so I was forced to listen to the monstrosity that is “Kinetica TV” and watch what passes for music videos these days.
My conclusions? Man. There is some shit music around at the moment.
As for my “black artists” comment, I know it’s not a universally “black” problem, but certainly the white artists who also make shit music are almost without exception producing music inspired by typically “black” styles — or, to put it another way, the kind of music that gets celebrated at the MOBO (Music Of Black Origin — yes, that is a thing) awards each year. Common features include a minimalist backing that includes a repetitive but irregular drumbeat and a bassline, very occasionally accompanied by some repetitive synth or strings stings. Singers are typically autotuned up the arse and sing about girls, money or money and girls. Unless they’re a girl, in which case they use the word “choo” too much and sing about how empowered they are. Alternatively, N-Dubz happens, and that’s never pretty.
Naturally I’m well aware that there are plenty of talented musical artists out there — from all ethnicities — but the popular charts make for depressing viewing, and it’s from those that Kinetica TV draws its material. Like so many things — TV, video games, movies — the most popular music appeals to the lowest common denominator, and therefore is carefully crafted to not overtax simple minds too much. This perhaps explains why the songs in question are so repetitive and boring.
But is the British public as dumb as their apparent musical tastes suggest? From the ’80s backwards, the popular charts sounded markedly different — and both “black” and “white” music had considerably more in the way of imagination and originality. We had rock ‘n’ roll, R&B (in its original, more accurate, better form), funk, soul, jazz, fusion and all manner of other auditory experiences to treat our lugholes to. Now, we get Jason Derulo mashing up Robin S and the Banana Boat song.
I shit you not. Check it out:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CGF_Z3yZAo]You’re just not even trying any more, Derulo, you huge fuckwit.
There is no excuse for this kind of laziness, and all you bellends out there who keep encouraging massive cocks like Jason Derulo to keep making music are contributing to the world’s image that the British public are a bunch of twats with no taste whatsoever. So cut it out. Do your part. Buy a good album today and stop encouraging these fetid pissflaps to make more monstrous music.
Oh, and stop encouraging The X-Factor to exist.
Sigh. An ultimately fruitless gesture. Perhaps I should just embrace it, download the I Am T-Pain app for my iPhone and make a banging choon that will be heard up and down the nation through the windows of Ford Fiestas with lowered suspension.
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