#oneaday Day 536: IdiotBox

TV is rubbish. TV is so rubbish that I generally avoid the act of watching it whenever possible, usually preferring to catch the few things I do actually think are worth watching via video on demand services or purchasing a DVD.

It’s difficult to pin down exactly what the most rubbish thing about TV is, though. Is it the asinine programming, in which the nation still doesn’t seem to have noticed that The X-Factor, Britain’s Got Talent, Over the Rainbow, Shitbag Maria and literally (okay, maybe not literally) tens of thousands of other shows are all actually exactly the same thing? Yes.

Is it the stations’ inability to record more than one promo reel for an upcoming show and then bombard you with the same 15 clips every 5 minutes until the show actually starts and you find yourself actively wanting to avoid it? Yes.

Is it the fact that the BBC1 announcer sounds like he’s extremely uncomfortable when announcing programmed? Yes.

Is it the fact that Dave, despite having about 15 years worth of Top Gear repeats to draw on, insists on playing the same episode at least twice in one day, so that you can watch half of it at lunchtime and randomly turn on the TV around dinnertime to find yourself picking up exactly where you left off? Yes.

Or is it the fact that advertisers treat you like idiots? “We’re real lawyers,” say InjuryLawyers4U (pro-tip: if you have to make your main selling point the fact that your law firm employs “real lawyers”, you’re not exactly filling me with confidence). “I got the money I needed with QuickQuidDotCoDotYouKay,” says a woman with an unconvincing mouth and all the sincerity of a jam sponge. “Special K is only for women with body image issues!” implies a cereal advert. “Only women may shop in Boots!” suggests Boots, having now used the same piece of music for so long that even fans of the Sugababes want to throw things at the TV every time the ads come on. “All men are bellends who only care about sticking their cock in things and drinking, possibly at the same time!” imply 95% of adverts. “If you smell nice, slutty women will fall at your feet and get their baps out!” screams the Lynx advert, thereby condemning the entire country to continually smelling like a gypsy’s jockstrap. YES.

So in short, TV is shite and the few genuinely good things that do get made either get buried in the schedules and forgotten (Firefly) or repeated so often you can watch them with the sound off and do the dialogue yourself without any difficulty (Friends).

Thank God for whoever decided that video on demand might actually be a good idea. Because although you still occasionally get shitty adverts, you can easily avoid all the crap with the added bonus that you don’t have to fit your schedule around an inanimate object — it fits its schedule around you. And that’s the way it should stay.

At least until the machine uprising, of course.