2475: Necessary Evil

I’ve grown to hate money.

Well, that’s not quite true. I like money when I have it. I hate the feeling of anxiety it gives me when I don’t have it, however, especially in situations like I’m in at the moment where I’m owed a considerable amount of money (like, over £1,000) in outstanding invoices from freelance work I undertook nearly two months ago.

It’s not character-building to have no money through no fault of your own; it doesn’t teach important life lessons; it just plain sucks balls.

It’s exceedingly demoralising to be strapped for cash when you know you’ve been working hard for your pay, and said pay is nowhere to be seen for one reason or another. It makes all the effort you’ve put in feel like a waste. Meanwhile salaried employees waste time on a daily basis fucking around with Fantasy Football and other such shit, secure in the knowledge that they’ll get their paycheck at the same time every month, come hell or high water — particularly if they’re an established employee with a decent enough track record to be considered a fixture.

I already struggle with anxiety and depression, but when money is tight, too, I just want to bury myself in a dark place and not wake up. It makes an already difficult situation feel all the more hopeless and desperate, and I’m running out of ways to cope with it.

I quit the job I described yesterday that didn’t feel like its benefits outweighed its many drawbacks — this is not the job that owes me over £1,000, I should add; rather, it was the part-time courier work I mentioned in passing a few times recently (which subsequently ballooned to an underpaid 7-day working week). I calculated that any money I would earn from it would immediately be eaten up by expenses incurred working that job, so it’s simply not worth the hassle, stress and physical discomfort it causes, particularly without any opportunity for a break.

I feel bad turning down a source of income, but if the net profit is negligible, I’m better off staying at home, saving the wear and tear on my car, not having to pay up for fuel and having the time and energy to pursue other opportunities. That’s how I’m rationalising it, anyway.

Just have to hope one of these opportunities I currently have an application in for and my fingers crossed for actually comes to something, but it’s frankly rather difficult to feel hopeful right now. I guess that at least means it will be a nice surprise if anything does happen.