#oneaday, Day 4: The Application Letter I’d Actually Like to Write

Dear Employer,

Hello. My name’s Pete, and I’m a fully-functional human being able to perform tasks for you in exchange for money. I’m not actually that fussy about the tasks you’d like me to perform, so long as they at least fall under the category of “things that I’m capable of doing”.

Things that I’m capable of doing, if you were curious (which you should be) include the following:

• Typing like the clappers (anywhere between 85 and 100wpm depending on how easy your test is)
• Producing good-quality writing at short notice (as this blog which I update every day will hopefully attest)
• Spotting mistakes in others’ writing and being able to correct them, with a particular focus on people who do not understand the difference between “your” and “you’re”.
• Inspiring a viral trend of people to get off their behinds (or, more accurately, get back on their behinds, only in a different context) and get creative—see the One A Day Project, up to 105 participants at the time of writing.
• 5-Star “Poker Face” on Dance Central (but, eh, let’s keep that one our little secret, shall we?)
• Teaching people who have no idea how to use a computer how to use a computer in terms they can understand.
• Being honest about the things I don’t know or understand, and finding the information out for myself.
• Being able to sit down in front of a new piece of software and get to grips with it very quickly.
• Feature on, edit, produce and release a podcast (see: the Squadron of Shame, soon to return after our holiday break)
• Using Aperture and Photoshop for photo-tweakage.
• Having an opinion worth listening to (see: the number of people who are playing Recettear: An Item Shop’s Tale at least partly because of my enthusing)
• Write words on paper that people can actually understand without having to resort to words such as “timeously”, “leverage” and “monetize”.

You may think that the vast majority of experience on my CV isn’t exactly relevant to the position you’re advertising. And you’d probably be right. But man is far more than a list of past positions on a piece of paper. He is the sum of his skills, experiences, memories and adaptability. And I have all of the above in spades, meaning that I’d be more than happy to turn my hand to something new. And not only that, the fact that I can learn new things incredibly quickly and retain them easily means that even if I’ve never done the exact job you’re advertising before, I’m pretty certain that I could do well at it if you simply explain what it is I have to do first.

I’ve also been out of regular work since last March, which means that by hiring me you’d be doing your bit to help the UK out of its “millions of people unemployed” situation. I haven’t even been claiming any benefits, but might start having to pretty soon. By hiring me, you’d be allowing some of that taxpayers’ money to be spent on something useful rather than keeping me provided with Lemsip, toilet paper and Eccles cakes.

But above all, by hiring me, you’d be helping both yourself and me. You’d be giving me a job, some financial security, a reason to get up in the morning and something upon which to focus my efforts. And I’d be giving you a committed, grateful, industrious worker who will do his utmost to show you he’s the best damn person-who-can-fulfil-the-position-you’re-advertising ever.

So think about it, huh? Do you want the person who writes the predictable but completely empty-of-soul letter that proclaims how supposedly “passionate” they are about whatever your industry is, and how much of a “generalist” they are? Or do you want the actual human being?

Thanks for your time. I’ll be right here while I don’t have anything better to do of a day. Call me. Email me. Hire me.

Pete