2192: Things That Stopped Me From Sleeping Last Night

I didn’t get to sleep until nearly 5am this morning due to a fairly bad anxiety attack. Here, in roughly chronological order, is a probably non-exhaustive list of things that this anxiety attack caused me to worry about.

• Whether I’ll get a new job in time to make the next mortgage payment
• Whether I’ll get a new job at all
• Whether it’s possible to support myself financially through non-conventional means such as Patreon or its ilk
• Whether I’m a good person
• Whether our pet rat Clover is all right
• Whether or not I should be upset over the fact I was blocked without warning or discussion on Twitter by someone I had previously got on very well with on the grounds that I had said “ignorant nonsense”
• Whether or not I had really said “ignorant nonsense”, or whether this person was an idiot
• Whether or not I had genuinely upset this person, regardless of whether or not they were an idiot
• Whether it mattered if I had genuinely upset this person if they were going to just cut all ties with me without even attempting to talk about whatever the issue was
• Whether I should have gone to sleep earlier
• Whether it’s worth getting up in the morning
• Whether I should apply for jobs in the same field I’ve just been looking into, or whether I should be looking elsewhere
• Whether I should train in a new field
• How I could possibly afford to train in a new field
• What it would be like to work in a new field
• Whether I’d gained weight this week after having a Chinese takeaway and fish and chips rather than sticking to Slimming World (got weighed this evening — I hadn’t, in fact I had lost a pound)
• Whether I’ll get a new job at all (again)
• Wouldn’t it be nice to win the lottery?
• What am I going to do when I come to the end of the period I’m leasing my car? Is it in good enough condition for me to just give it back? Can I just give it back?
• Whether I’ve made a lifetime’s worth of irreversible mistakes
• Whether I can get my life back on track
• What it would be like to put a gun to your head
• Whether I would have the courage to pull the trigger
• Whether I want to pull the trigger
• Whether I was ever going to get to sleep
• Whether I was ever going to get to sleep ever again
• Why I can fall asleep in seconds in the morning, but not at night
• Whether I should feel bad for liking Jeremy Clarkson
• How much Lily Rank grinding I had left to do in Hyperdimension Neptunia U
• Whether the meandering course that my friendships and relationships have taken over the years is the “right” path
• Whether there is a right path for interpersonal relationships
• Why my friend who had once been attacked by a dogpile of politically-correct nutcases on Twitter now appeared to be one of those politically-correct nutcases
• Whether or not I should go back to Final Fantasy XIV
• Whether I’d know if someone broke into the house
• Whether someone who broke into the house would steal my massive TV, or just something small
• Whether someone who broke into the house would come into our room and kill us

Anxiety sucks, because everything seems like a massive deal. Some of the things I was worrying about are important, but some of them are not. Last night, everything felt terrifying and disturbing. Last night, everything stopped me from sleeping. I would rather that did not happen again tonight.