Goodbye, Meg

This is a repost from MoeGamer for the sake of those who aren’t subscribed over there.

Today we lost our beloved Meg, our cat who joined our family back in 2016. She was just 12 years old, but sadly she was suffering with what looked like fairly severe liver cancer and had to leave us before what we all thought “her time” should be.

Much like when we lost her playmate Ruby — who we suspect may have been her daughter, though we have no real confirmation of this — I wanted to leave a permanent record of the mark Meg made on our family and lives, and celebrate how much she was loved.

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Both Ruby and Meg came from a local rescue centre. They were very much a pair; while they contrasted quite significantly in personality, it was clear that they had spent their entire lives together. As such, when we lost Ruby unexpectedly to an accident, Meg was hit hard by it. But she soldiered on, and took well to Patti, a nervous little black cat who we took in to give Meg some company, since she was clearly pining for Ruby.

I say she “took well” to Patti; the first few weeks of them being together were interesting, to say the least. Patti expressed her nervousness by launching herself at Meg at high speed, causing Meg to initially be somewhat wary of her; as time went on, though, Meg grew to at the very least tolerate her and, though she would never admit this, love her.

For Meg was a Grumpuss, you see — or at least she liked to put that impression across. I don’t think she really was grumpy most of the time, but she had a face that looked like she disapproved of everything going on around her — particularly anything Patti had something to do with. But it was clear that it was just a front; any time Patti decided to hide or we had to take her to the vet or something, Meg made it very obvious that she was worrying about her.

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And her caring nature applied to us, too. I loved Meg so much at least partly because she reminded me in attitude of my childhood cat Penny, who would always come and “look after” any member of the family who was suffering for one reason or another.

Meg had incredible empathy skills, and knew exactly when what you needed more than anything else was a cat to just come and sit with you. I’ve lost count of the number of times I was lying feeling hopeless and depressed in bed, and Meg came to come and look after me. She didn’t actually do anything beyond sit with me — usually either on me, or in such a way that she was pressed up against me — but that was enough. Her presence was comforting. And now it’s gone.

Meg reminded me of Penny in other ways, too, perhaps most notably in her love of “human food”. She would do anything for a little piece of ham or cheese, and on more than one occasion she sat down for Christmas dinner with us as a special treat. She was always well-behaved, though; while she would certainly “beg” for things when the fridge opened, she rarely went so far as to steal things.

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Except for one memorable occasion, when Andie had made some sort of sausage-based casserole stew-type thing. We forgot that we’d left the pot out overnight, and when we came down in the morning, we found half a sausage sitting on the kitchen floor, along with a noticeable hole in the (rather thick) stew mixture, suggesting that Meg had precisely picked out a single sausage from the pot without disturbing anything else, consumed enough to satisfy herself, then left the evidence behind as if to say “and what are you going to do about it?”

I have any number of stories like that I could tell about Meg. She was such a strong personality, and beloved by everyone who came to our house. She was the kind of cat who could pick out the “person who didn’t like cats” from a lineup, and convert them to a cat-lover within five to ten minutes. She was more than just a pet; she was a beloved family member, and that’s why losing her hurts so much.

But we had to say goodbye; it was the right thing to do. She was so sick, to the point that she wasn’t eating, that it was heartbreaking to see her in such a sorry state. But at the same time, we knew that she was hanging on for our sake. We knew that she didn’t want us to be sad, so even though over time it clearly got to a point where it hurt for her to do anything, she would still come and spend time with us, and she stubbornly refused to let go and leave us behind. She would sit on a cushion next to me while I played games, or she would sit on Andie in bed, or she would just hang out in the same room as us, content to be in our company.

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But sometimes, no matter how much you love someone and you wish your time with them could last forever, you just have to say goodbye. And while we wish Meg could have just passed peacefully at home surrounded by the warmth of family, we couldn’t bear for her to keep suffering for our sakes. I don’t know how long she would have clung on out of sheer stubbornness, but we had to let her go. It was the right thing to do. And as we laid her to rest, she looked happy.

Meg, we love you and we will never forget you. We’re sorry we occasionally called you Princess Professor Megatron Meowington the Third, but you brought out our childish, happy sides even during dark times. Our life was richer, more joyful and more colourful for your presence, and we hope — no, we know — you understand what an important part of our family you were. We hope you are at peace now and that, reunited with Ruby, you will continue to watch over us forevermore; in exchange, we’ll keep a watchful eye on Patti for you. She misses you already.

Goodbye, Meg. You deserve eternal happiness. I hope you have found it.

Attempting to process some bad news

You’ll hopefully indulge me for a while, as we had some devastating news today: our beloved cat Meg appears to have liver cancer, and there’s nothing we or the vet are able to do about it aside from attempt to make her feel comfortable and loved for the immediate future.

Meg is just shy of 12 years of age, and neither Andie nor I are ready to say goodbye to her. She’s been such an important part of our lives for so long at this point that I’ve been hit very hard by the sorrow of knowing that our time together is coming to an end. I won’t speak for Andie, because she doubtless has her own feelings on the matter, but I can at least talk through how I’m feeling in an attempt to process the situation.

A bit of background for those curious: we’ve had Meg since she was about 2 or 3 years old. She was a rescue cat, but she and her companion Ruby hadn’t been mistreated or anything like that; they’d simply been put up for adoption because someone in their former home turned out to be allergic to cats. We fell in love with both of them almost immediately, and they joined our family in 2016.

Ruby, sadly, had an accident in 2018 and left us well before her time, and Meg was clearly hit hard by the situation; she was clearly pining for the company of another cat. We suspect (though we’ve never known for sure) that Ruby may have been her kitten, which made the situation doubly sad. But we decided quickly to adopt another cat, both because we enjoyed having two cats around and we didn’t want Meg to be sad. And so Patti, a nervous little black cat who had something of a troubled start to her life from the sound of things, joined us.

The relationship between the pair was initially somewhat cautious. Despite being a complete scaredy-cat (no pun intended), Patti had a habit of launching herself towards Meg at high velocity when she first arrived, making Meg a little uneasy about her. Over time, they came to tolerate one another, though, and while I know Meg would never admit it, I’m pretty sure they even came to like one another.

We knew something was wrong with Meg a few months back when we noticed she was looking obviously skinnier than she had ever done, and, taking her to the vet, it seemed that she had indeed lost rather a lot of weight. She had a blood test that came back without any real indication that anything was wrong, ruling out common causes of sudden weight loss such as hyperthyroidism and diabetes, but we were still a little concerned.

It took a couple more appointments, including today’s, where she was put under general anaesthetic and examined thoroughly, to discover what was actually wrong with her. And now we’re kind of at a loss. We don’t want to lose Meg, but we also don’t want her to suffer.

At present, she’s actually doing reasonably well considering the circumstances, but she hasn’t been eating as much as she has done in the past, which accounts for the weight loss. And, realistically, things are not going to get any better from here. But we’re not ready to say goodbye just yet, so we’ve got some medicine to hopefully make her feel a bit better for now, and we’ll have to see what happens from there.

I don’t know if I want to say that death scares me, because I’m not sure that it’s death itself that scares me. It’s more the knowledge that I do not handle grief well at all, and the difficulty I have in picturing a life without someone or something that has been such a major fixture in it for so long.

Meg is such a precious, loved part of our family that even contemplating moving forward without her is enough to bring tears to my eyes. And the prospect of telling someone else “yes, it’s time for her to die,” as you regrettably often have to do with pets, is near-inconceivable. I don’t know if I can do it. But it’s also not fair to lumber Andie with everything.

Part of my brain knows, rationally, that all lives come to an end, and often a lot sooner than we would like, particularly when animals are concerned. That same part of my brain knows that it is the right thing to do to just let her go when simply existing is too difficult or painful for her. But another part of my brain says “what right do I have to decide that for her?”

I think part of why I have so much difficulty dealing with and processing this sort of thing is that there are no answers. There is no “right way” to handle it. There is no person you can go to for help and get everything resolved neatly and without pain. There is just that period of grief, pain and sadness awaiting, and I unfortunately know from past experience that when you’re in the middle of it, it sometimes doesn’t feel like you’ll ever be able to break out again.

This is what scares me. I know that I will be completely devastated with grief for quite some time when it is finally Meg’s time to pass on. And I can’t help but worry about how I will cope when something even worse happens in the future. Because I know it will, one day. Hopefully not for a good long while yet, but it will.

The things I’m feeling are not, I suspect, unique to me by any means. But it’s difficult to talk about them, which means it’s difficult to find a suitable outlet to express and process the storm of emotions that situations like this bring to one’s mind. I have been in floods of tears off and on all day, and I don’t know what else I can do. Because there probably isn’t anything else I can do.

Writing those feelings down is as good a solution as any for now, then, I guess. At least then I can look back on them after the fact and perhaps learn something from them — and hopefully those close to me will also have a better understanding about how I’m feeling and why I’m struggling.

In the meantime, Meg is now home and doing as well as can be expected. She’s just had something to eat, as she hasn’t had anything since last night, and I’m sure she just wants to get some rest now. She will be loved for however much time we have left together, and anything beyond that we’ll just have to deal with as it happens.