1851: Bollocks

So, I lost my job today. It’s the third time depression has played a partial role in me losing a position, and the second time I’ve been treated like absolute shit by people who were supposed to be supporting me, effectively putting me in a position where it was either get fired or be forced to resign. (Regrettably, in this case, I was not given the opportunity to do the latter.)

I was pretty furious earlier. I may have bellowed an obscenity in the face of the person who fired me. It wasn’t my proudest moment, but I don’t regret it one bit. The person in question is someone who, along with a couple of others, has contributed to me feeling like absolute shit for the last couple of weeks. So no, I don’t regret it; they deserved it, and moreover, letting out that shout was enormously cathartic — so much so that I pretty much felt the last couple of weeks of stress leaving my body through my mouth.

I guess I should be grateful then? But fuck that. I do feel surprisingly better than I thought I would, however; I was in tears while this hideous process was going on, but once I got home — after a horribly gruelling journey up the shithole of a motorway that is the M27, hopefully for the last time — I was pretty calm about the whole thing, and ready to look for the next step. (That said, thinking back on it is making me a bit angry, so I’m going to stop doing that for the sake of my own sanity right now.)

Anyway, all this puts me in a position that I was planning to put myself in at some point soon anyway, albeit a little sooner than anticipated and without any of the groundwork I was hoping to lay before I put myself in this position.

I’ve come to the conclusion that working in a corporate environment like that simply isn’t for me. There’s too much scope for two-facedness, lying, backstabbing and general unpleasantness. There’s no reason for these things to happen, of course, but having spoken to a number of people who have had various office jobs, it seems that it’s pretty much par for the course with that kind of position.

Not only that, but I have absolutely no patience for an organisation that puts policy and procedure ahead of individual welfare and performance. I’ll leave specifics for another day, but suffice to say that this place was rife with ridiculous policies and procedures that served as little more than excuses to get people into trouble — and it was also host to the nanniest of nanny-state, wrap-everyone-in-cotton-wool health-and-safety bullshit-obsessed nonsense I have ever encountered in my life. So, aside from the regular income, I shan’t miss it one teeny-tiny bit, aside from the couple of people there who were genuinely decent folk just struggling on to get things done amid all this nonsense.

The plan, then, is to try and strike out on my own; in the past, while working from home has occasionally been lonely and stressful in its own strange way, I vastly prefer it to long and tedious commutes with toxic atmospheres at the other end. I can control my own working hours, I can take on the work I want to take on and I can simply get on with it without other people interfering with me. This, it seems, is my optimal means of working, and it’s unfortunate it’s taken such an unpleasant experience — and six months of wasted time — to confirm that to me.

I have a few avenues to pursue, one of which is something that I’ve considered trying to make a living from in the past: music teaching. I’ve done a little of this on the side in the past before, but only a few pupils. I know it’s more than possible to make a very healthy living doing this, though it takes time to build up that solid base of regular pupils. That means I’ll be looking for freelance or temporary work in the meantime, likely with an emphasis on writing and/or editing. It’ll also be a good opportunity to brush up on my web design skills, which in turn will open up opportunities for other work.

As horrible as today’s experience was, it’s ultimately a good thing, I think. It’s given me a push to not settle for a job where I’m miserable, and instead to actively seek out things that I am both good at and enjoy.

I feel there’s a long and difficult road ahead of me, but I feel ready to start walking it. Wish me luck.