1687: A Jack Too Far

One of our local radio stations is called Jack FM. Jack FM has two “unique selling points” as a radio station: firstly, the fact that they “play what they want” — in practice meaning that they have a playlist just as repetitive as the fetid crap played on more pop-centric radio stations every day, only it consists of actually good songs from the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s — and secondly, the fact that, outside of a couple of special shows, there don’t appear to be any DJs — just regular, prerecorded voiceovers from actor Paul Darrow of Blake’s 7 fame.

This is Paul Darrow, if you’re unfamiliar:

(No, he is not the same person as the narrator from The Stanley Parable, if you were wondering. That is Kevan Brighting.)

This latter aspect marks one of Jack FM’s strangest characteristics — the fact that it appears to be trying as hard as possible to be deliberately shit, at least between the songs which, as previously mentioned, tend to err on the side of “actually pretty good”.

The reason I say this is that Darrow, bless him, is forced to read some of the absolute worst “comedy” material that has ever been broadcast via any medium — seemingly every few minutes.

The trouble isn’t necessarily with the jokes themselves — some of them, particularly those which poke fun at notoriously shit town Basingstoke, will elicit a genuine chuckle — but rather the fact that they tend to go too far. Not from a taste perspective, but from a “you should have stopped talking a sentence ago” perspective.

Mostly this happens in a futile attempt to make something mundane appear more funny than it is, or indeed at all. I’ll give you an example.

“Jack FM news with [company name I can’t remember — great advertising, guys!] bus services. Forget about parking and travel costs, travel by bus! The wheels on the bus go round and round!”

Every time I hear this I find myself wondering who signed off on that last sentence. It serves no purpose. It’s not funny because it doesn’t make a joke. It’s little more than a reference to a well-known children’s song that’s been shoehorned in for no apparent reason other than to say… something. Darrow’s voice stands by itself — a distinct, rich, fruity voice that is like caramel melting in your ears — and thus there’s really no need to add anything more than the simple marketing copy prior to that stupid last sentence. But no.

Here’s another.

“Jack FM travel with Happy Hot Tubs. New hot tubs now in stock. Stock! As in gravy!”

This one suffers a similar problem, albeit to an even greater degree. The “gravy” comment really does have nothing to do with the words that came immediately before it, leaving it dangling there like a stubborn… well, I’ll leave that to your imagination.

Not all of Darrow’s contributions to Jack FM’s distinctive sound are that awful — as noted previously, some of them are genuinely amusing, particularly when he decides to turn on the sarcasm, as he frequently does. (“Our buses have wi-fi. And seats. And poles. And buttons that ding!”) I can’t help but think that he might be taking the piss a bit, having been given some utterly lifeless marketing copy from one of the numerous sponsors of the station and choosing to spice it up a bit with a bit of thinly-masked disdain. His contempt for Basingstoke also seems remarkably genuine — and anyone who has ever visited Basingstoke will happily back him up on that.

But I can’t shake the feeling that Jack FM’s jingles could be something genuinely special if they actually employed someone who knew how to write proper jokes. As it stands, Darrow’s delicious voice makes for a distinctive identity of the station — but his talents are somewhat wasted on material that regularly falls flat on its face.