1452: What Can You Use Bovril For?

[Note: This was written last night, but for some reason didn’t publish. My apologies!]

Inspired by someone who found my blog today by searching for “what can you use Bovril for?” I proudly present to you the Definitive List of Things You Can Use Bovril For.

• You can make it into a drink. This is supposedly its primary purpose. Essentially you put a dollop of it in a cup and add hot water. The result is a jet-black drink that is somewhat salty, and which is supposed to taste of beef but doesn’t really. I’m not really sure what it tastes of. It actually doesn’t really taste of Bovril any more, oddly, because I associate the taste of non-drink Bovril with being somewhat… pungent, for want of a better word; the kind of thing that feels like it’s stripping the lining of the roof of your mouth off. Bovril as a drink doesn’t have that effect, really; it just tastes of salt and disappointment.
• You can put it in sandwiches. Growing up, this was a mainstay of my school lunchbox, but I genuinely don’t think I’ve had a Bovril sandwich since I was at school. If the idea of putting a thick, sticky, vaguely beef-flavoured salty black paste in a sandwich as its sole ingredient doesn’t sound massively appealing, you can also use it as a sort of condiment; cheese and Bovril works quite well, for example.
• You can put it on toast. This is, for me, the second-most optimum use of Bovril, because toast’s relative solidity compared to regular bread ensures that the Bovril remains largely in its natural state and gives your toast a strong, vaguely spicy flavour that is not altogether unpleasant. In fact, it’s actually quite nice — but again, be careful with the quantities, since applying too much Bovril to your toast will cause your mouth to feel rather strange for the rest of the day. As a guideline, when looking at your toast, it shouldn’t be a solid mass of Bovril; it should instead be smeared across it relatively lightly.
• You can put it on toast, then dip it in Heinz Cream of Tomato Soup. This is the absolute best use of Bovril, and the discovery of which is one of the very few good things I look back with fondness on from my relationship with an ex-girlfriend. It sounds like it should be disgusting, but trust me on this one; you absolutely won’t regret it. Unless, of course, you don’t like Bovril, in which case why are you reading this post anyway?
• It makes a not very effective adhesive. In other words, you probably wouldn’t want to stick anything together using Bovril, but in the process of opening a jar that’s a few months old you will almost inevitably end up accidentally doing so — usually your fingers to each other, or the spoon to a wall, or your face to a cat. Wash hands thoroughly after preparing any sort of Bovril-based dish.
• It makes a not very effective fake tan. Again, in the process of opening a jar that has been in your cupboard for perhaps a little longer than it should have — though trust me, unless you leave toast crumbs in it, a jar of Bovril will happily survive the apocalypse — you will almost certainly end up staining yourself with it. For fair-skinned individuals, a light smearing of Bovril over your entire body will equip you with the uneven tan typically sported by Britons returning from a holiday on the continent.
• It makes for excellent scatological practical jokes. A light smearing of Bovril in the victim’s underpants — probably best to do while they aren’t wearing them — will make them look like they’ve shat themselves. Be sure to scoop out any excess Bovril before secreting your victim’s underpants back in the drawer, because seeing black sludge that has apparently emanated from their rectum will probably make them want to call the doctor rather than just throw the pants in the bin and/or washing machine.
• Apparently if you hit Marmite repeatedly with a spoon it turns white. I don’t know if the same is true for Bovril, but if you are bored of an evening, the attempts to prove or disprove the theory may prove to be adequate entertainment if the television is showing nothing but reality shows.

I hope you have found this list helpful, mystery reader. Be sure to enjoy your Bovril safely and responsibly, and always remember your safe word.