1270: Black Cloud

Been struggling a bit with depression again recently. It is my own fault for not proactively doing anything about it, but once it sets in there’s really not a lot you can do about it save for just riding it out and hoping it passes.

Some people describe their experiences with depression as being strangely comforting; those negative feelings acting as a sort of blanket that surrounds them and cuts them off from the outside world. I can sort of empathise with that, but at the same time it’s frustrating.

Here’s what dealing with depression is like for me.

I’ll wake up in the morning, usually after a semi-to-very vivid dream that leaves itself half-finished. At this point I have a choice; go back to sleep and finish the dream, or get up and start the day. If I choose the former option, I’ll find it very hard to get up for several hours, regardless of how many alarms I set. If I choose the latter option — which is often quite difficult to do — I’ll generally start the day in a more positive manner.

The day will then proceed as normal, so long as I keep myself occupied with something or other that stimulates my brain — whether that’s work, watching something on TV or playing a game. If I stop doing things, I’ll find myself staring into space, and that same feeling I have when I’m trying to get up sets in; I just don’t want to move. I feel myself being tugged in different directions: the depression wants me to just stare into space and feel sorry for myself, dwelling on all the things that I don’t want to dwell on, or that are completely unnecessary to dwell on; the rational part of my brain tells me that I’d feel better if I just reached over and grabbed the PS3 controller, or stood up and got a glass of juice, or put my shoes on and went outside for a bit. Sometimes the depression wins; sometimes the rational part of my brain wins. The rational part usually wins the war, as I am still able to function and do the things I need to do each day, but depression often scores a few victories in skirmishes along the way.

By the end of the day, I’m often left feeling mentally exhausted from having to keep the depression at bay. Sometimes, despite feeling tired, I don’t feel I can go to bed until an ungodly hour because I know I’ll just spend hours unable to sleep, my mind awhirl with conflicting emotions and anxieties. Sometimes, I’ll try and exhaust myself before collapsing into bed; other times, I’ll just pray for the best, lie down and hope that sleep claims me before too long.

Being depressed is frustrating, because there is often no particular cause for it. “What’s wrong?” people will ask. “Nothing in particular,” I’ll reply, because it’s true; there is nothing wrong, but that just feeds into the whole cycle. I start to feel guilty about feeling down about, well, nothing at all, and then I feel bad about feeling guilty; if you’ve been there, you know what it’s like.

I’ll get over it. I always do. Just needed to vent a little today.