1105: Braindead

It’s coming up on 1am and I’m struggling of things to write here. But write I must.

Well, let’s review how things are going. That’s usually a good way to fill a day’s post, as nothing especially interesting has happened today. Unless you count letting our pet rats out for a run around in the hallway and going to Yo! Sushi (not at the same time) as being somehow “interesting”. I guess both of those are sort of interesting — I mean, I enjoyed them both — but really, you sort of had to be there in both instances.

It’s coming up on the end of the first month of 2013, and we’re still in that weird sort of limbo where it doesn’t quite feel right to talk about the year being 2013. I mean, I’m not sure what I’m really expecting to “feel” different, after all, but a new year is always a symbolic sort of thing, after all.

This year has already started somewhat differently, though, because I’m in a nice flat in the city I wanted to (and indeed used to) live in. I’m close to my friends (geographically speaking, obviously) and have even had them over to visit more times in the last month than I did in the year and a half I lived in Chippenham, which is good and makes me happy. I feel like I’m in a relatively comfortable situation — I enjoy my job, particularly as I get to work from home; I have an awesome girlfriend who puts up with my idiosyncracies and shows an interest in the things I’m passionate about; I have two surprisingly entertaining pet rats to whom I probably attribute far too much in the way of perceived personality; I’m relatively comfortably off money-wise, having cleared a bunch of longstanding debts last year (though student loan is still outstanding and probably always will be, gah); and, to cut a long, tedious and fairly directionless list short, I’m feeling fairly positive about the future.

As anyone who has suffered with one of the various forms of depression and/or anxiety will attest, though, it’s not always that easy to keep feeling positive, even though things are generally seemingly going sort of all right. It’s easy to lapse into negative feelings or self-doubt, and wonder if the things you’re doing are really the right things. It’s easy to want to make big, grand gestures to define yourself and feel like your life is moving in the right direction, but at the same time it’s difficult to either carry those things through — or even to know if they’re the right thing to do in the first place.

I’m content for now, though, occasional lapses in mood aside. It’s a pleasant feeling. I know I still have some way to go before feeling “better” — if it’s ever truly possible to feel “better” from these sorts of issues — but I at least feel like I’m heading in the right direction. When I look back at some of the posts I made over a thousand days ago, I see someone who was desperately unhappy and struggling to make it through the day for much of his time. It’s hard to let memories of bad times like that go, but I’d be lying if I said things weren’t massively better than they were way back then.

Onwards and upwards, then. The end of January will see us take ownership of a new sofa that will hopefully fit up the stairs into our flat, have our Internet properly connected and subsequently feel like we’re “properly” settled in.

Bring it on 2013, I’m a-ready for ya.