#oneaday Day 682: Wasteland Diaries, Final Part

[Read from the start. If, you know, you want to. Excuse any typos or errors along the way — this was written along the lines of NaNoWriMo: get it done, (maybe) fix it later. It was also mostly written at ungodly hours in the middle of the night. AND NOW THE CONCLUSION.]

I have come to a decision, and I’m ready to stick to it and live with the consequences, whatever they might be. It’s a scary moment, but also a liberating one. By freeing myself from uncertainty and committing to a course of action, I feel that I can positively move forward and take on the future head-on.

Earlier in the morning, Clarkson had called me and said that Adam wanted to see me. I’d had an instinctive feeling when I woke up that today would be an important day, and that feeling’s only been growing ever since then.

I’ve made an effort. I’ve done my hair, put on a little makeup for the first time in I can’t remember how long, and I’ve found something nice to wear rather than PJs or a horrible, faded old T-shirt. If it’s a big day, I should look the part, and to do so I’ve found a dress I always liked. I’ve lost a bit of weight ever since all this started, so it hangs a little loosely in some parts, but it stays up, at least, and is probably the most respectable thing I own.

I set off down the street in the direction of the hospital, wondering how the day will unfold. While I’ve committed to my own course of action, I’m well aware I’m only one of two people in this scenario, and it’s entirely possible that things might not go the way I expect. In the end, nothing is certain.

I stop proceeding down that chain of thought because it leads to hesitation, uncertainty and nervousness, none of which I can afford right now. This chapter of my life ends today, and I’m not going to let self-doubt stand in the way of all that. I will do my part to strive towards the future I want, and then I’ll just have to see what happens.

It starts drizzling with rain as I walk down the street and, inevitably, I’ve forgotten an umbrella. Fortunately, the rain doesn’t built to the levels it has in the past few days, but it still soaks my hair, putting it at severe risk of doing that fuzzy thing it always does in damp conditions. I may as well have not bothered sorting it out.

I quicken my pace and before long have arrived at the hospital. I follow the familiar path up to Adam’s room, and find Clarkson waiting outside for me.

“Hello, Evie,” he says, a serious expression on his face. “Go on in, he’s awake.”

I push open the door and walk into the dimly-lit room. Adam is lying in the bed, propped up into an almost-natural sitting position. He looks tired, still.

“Hi,” he says, his voice cracked and weak. “Glad you’re here.”

“Me too,” I say, sitting down in the chair next to him and taking his hand. “I–”

“Wait,” he croaks, interrupting me. “Please, let me talk first.”

“Okay,” I say.

“Evie,” he says. “I’ve come to a realisation after the very strange experiences I’ve had.”

He pauses, swallows and licks his lips before continuing.

“After you… told me you weren’t ready to be a mother, I jumped to a conclusion,” he says. “I jumped to the conclusion that it was all about me. That you didn’t want me, that you didn’t see a future with us both in it.”

“That’s not what I thought at all,” I say quietly. “But I understand why you thought that, and why you did what you did. I’m sorry I did what I did in the way I did. I’m sorry — I’m sorry I killed our baby.”

He smiles and shakes his head.

“When I ran from you, I felt like the world had been destroyed,” he says. “I felt like you were the one who had destroyed it. Everything ceased to have meaning, and I felt that there was no place for me in a world like that. Everything, everyone was dead to me.”

He pauses and coughs a little. I move to help him, but he just shakes his head, dismissing me. I sit back down again.

“I know now that I was wrong,” he growls, his voice weakening. “I know now that it wasn’t you who was being selfish, it was me.”

There’s a silence for a moment. I can’t deny it, even with the guilt I feel over causing all this.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he says, as if reading my thoughts. “You didn’t cause this. I did. My own stubbornness, my own stupidity.”

I see his eyes filling with tears. I let him speak.

“You weren’t the one who ended my world,” he says, “I was the one who ended yours. I’ve put you through all this. I’ve made you suffer. And for what? It’s not fair. I can’t keep doing that to you. I can’t ruin your life any more. I can’t hold you down. I can’t keep you back. You’re not my property. You’re not mine to command.”

He changed. He’s like a different person. No — he’s like the person I first fell in love with, not the hollow wreck of a man who’d been plummeting towards rock bottom even before all this happened. It’s good to see him back again. And a feeling of relief sweeps through my mind.

“No,” I say, smiling. “I’m not. But I’ve learned something, too. What we are is a team. We work together. We decide things together. Neither of us has to be alone. Neither of us has to make the difficult decisions by ourselves. What’s done is done, and I hope you can forgive me, but I can assure you it will never happen again.”

“I know,” he says, quietly. “You were the one who led me back to reality, Evie. By following you, that’s why I’m here. You were the whole reason for my journey. You saved me, whether or not you intended to.”

“What journey?” I say. “What do you mean?”

He smiles and closes his eyes. I feel his fingers wrap around mine.

“This is the end,” he says. “And the beginning, all at once.”