#oneaday Day 657: Wasteland Diaries, Part 5

After walking down the street a short distance, I came to a small open area that looked like it was once a petrol station. A couple of burnt out cars were scattered haphazardly at the front, and the huge metal canopy that covered over the pumps had collapsed at one end, forming a huge ramp-like structure, a leap to nowhere. What had once been the kiosk looked mostly intact — relatively speaking, anyway. Its windows were shattered and the door was occasionally bumping open and shut, but the building looked otherwise structurally sound.

I headed for the small building and carefully opened the door. Not carefully enough, though, it seemed, since as I pulled it it fell off its hinges and crashed to the ground with a loud thump. I started at the sound and once again instinctively looked around to see if anyone had noticed — and once again there was no-one.

Inside the small kiosk it was dark. The angle of the building meant that not much sunlight got in through the smashed windows, and the electricity here was clearly dead. Products that had once been neatly stacked on the shelves now lay scattered on the floor. There was an acrid stench in the air, but I figured this would be as good a place as any to gather some supplies.

A collapsed pile of large, flat books caught my eye. “Road Atlas, United Kingdom and Ireland,” the faded cover proclaimed. While the book was battered, stained and slightly charred, the contents of the pages were still clearly visible. This could be a huge help, I thought. If I can pinpoint my own location, I can figure out where to go next and maybe even track down Evie.

It was an optimistic view of the future, I knew that. As far as I was concerned, though, optimism was the only way to go. Curling up in a corner and crying would achieve nothing — it wouldn’t even get me any sympathy, since there was no-one else around to give it. Occasionally as I walked and my mind wandered, I wanted to stop and grieve for what had been lost — even though I still wasn’t sure exactly what I had lost — but I worried if I started, I might never stop.

The book of maps was too big to fit in my pack normally. I folded it in half with some difficulty and stuffed it in there among the tins and other supplies I’d scavenged from the shop or storage house the previous day. It wouldn’t be much use until I found something that offered a hint to my current location, anyway.

I stepped back out into the sunlight of the day. I was getting thirsty, but I really didn’t want to risk any of the sealed bottles that I’d seen in the petrol station. Who knew what was in them, how long they’d been there and what state their contents were in? I certainly didn’t, so I didn’t take the chance.

A searing pain shot through my skull. It drove me straight to my knees and I screamed as the horrifying sensation ploughed its way through my brain. I didn’t know what it was or if anyone was doing it to me, but it hurt so much. I clasped my hands to the side of my head and leaned forward on the floor, but the pain didn’t subside. My vision blurred and faded, and I passed out.

My unconsciousness was troubled by restless dreams. I was angry, furious, a force of pure wrath. I roared with frustration and the very earth trembled at the sound of my voice. Clouds of dust rose up with every step I took, and solid structures crumbled at my touch. I knew nothing but the desire to destroy, to crush, to shatter. I would not rest until all lay in ruins.

When I awoke, I could feel myself sweating, though the air had become cold. I opened my eyes and could tell that a considerable amount of time had passed — the light had faded and the atmosphere was very different. I couldn’t tell exactly what was different until I got to my hands and knees and raised my head, however, and what I saw chilled me to the bone.

Where once had been half-wrecked buildings, still recognisable as the signs of recent civilisation, now was simply total devastation. Buildings were flattened, flakes of walls scattered all around as if they had simply burst. The petrol station I had just come from was nowhere to be seen, though there was a pile of rubble with a thick plume of black smoke emanating from it where it had been standing what felt like just moments ago.

All around was chaos, destruction — the end of the world, come again. I stood, mouth agape, looking around, the shock of the sudden devastation rendering me incapable of rational thought.

Suddenly, the thought of the dream I had had came back to me. There was so much rage, anger, fury. The feeling that I would never be satisfied until all lay in ruins.

I couldn’t have done this, could I? And if I had done this, then what if I–

This time it really was all too much. I sank back to the floor and sobbed — huge, gulping, gasps of air. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, such was the feeling of anguish that gripped me. The tears ran freely, and I wailed at the wave of emotion washing over me.

The world as it once had been was no more, and I was absolutely alone. Was there any point going on? Would I ever find Evie? More to the point, would I ever find any answers?

Adam, came the voice in my head. I need you. And you need me. Come to me.

I wanted to. But I didn’t know how.