To quote Mr Bill Bailey, I am English, and as such, I crave disappointment. Well, “crave” might not be the right word. “Expect” is probably closer to the truth. A series of crushing disappointments have led me to lower my expectations accordingly, and as such I find myself in a state where even the smallest victories will probably feel like I just single-handedly ice-skated across the Channel with no arms, only one leg and an inability to smell. (Some may argue that an inability to smell may actually make crossing the Channel on ice-skates easier.)
It’s vaguely depressing when you consider that your life aspirations gradually get lower (or “more realistic”, as you justify it to yourself) as you get older, but it’s true.
Right now, the one thing that will tell me that I have Made It And Am In A Good Place will be the day that I’m able to buy a new car. Not “a different car”, a new car. A brand new one. The ones that you see on the television with prices that always begin with “starting from”. That would be lovely. Then I could have a car that works all the time instead of one with “personality”. Cars with “personality” make for amusing stories, but can be a pain in the arse at times. I won’t complain about my personality-filled car too much since I didn’t pay anything for it (I was given it, I didn’t steal it) and it does at least perform the car’s primary function which is to carry you from point A to point B considerably faster than walking.
I will, however, share some of my car’s little quirks with you as I’m sure they’re familiar to any of you who own or have owned a vehicle that’s getting a little long in the tooth.
First up is the “What The Fuck Now?” light, otherwise known as the Engine Management Light. This came on for a while last year and promptly stayed on, apparently due to a shitty catalytic converter or something. The car got serviced, the light went out. Job’s a good ‘un.
Came back from a few weeks in America and got in my car for the first time, started driving it, and sure enough, the What The Fuck Now? light came on. And stayed on. I was annoyed. The car seemed to be running fine, but when random warning lights come on in a vehicle made of things that can explode and/or catch fire, you get a little nervous. I decided to risk it, and drove the 120 miles to Southampton. Three-quarters (ish) of the way there, I stopped at Fleet Services for a drink and a piss. When I started the car up again, the What The Fuck Now? light had gone off. Apparently the car had been feeling neglected and was now satisfied that I’d given it enough attention. It didn’t bother me again.
Until I didn’t drive it for a few days, went out and the What The Fuck Now? light came back on again. Hopefully it will stop whining and complaining when the weather heats up a bit, which it looks like it’s just starting to do.
The What The Fuck Now? light isn’t the only quirky little personality trait my car has, though. No, there’s the “occasionally turn on the windscreen wipers when you clearly haven’t hit the switch” thing, the “gradually fade in the left indicator light on the dashboard when you press the brake pedal while in reverse gear” thing and the “curious rattling noise (that didn’t show up in the MOT or service) when you turn left whilst travelling at 15-20mph, but not when turning right or travelling at speeds greater or less than 15-20mph” quirk.
The Little Blue Car That Could has been a faithful companion for quite some time now. But seriously. I can’t wait for the day I can go and pick up a shiny, brand new car and enjoy driving without wondering if anything’s about to fall off it. (For a little while, at least.)
Discover more from I'm Not Doctor Who
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
I once had a similar problem to your WTFN light. It was an oversensitive air filter that was worried about the exact ratio of the air/fuel mix. I was informed that the light remains on for a certain number of engine cycles, and that if it bothered me then I should simply turn the engine off and on a few times.
If your car starts stalling then I would advise that you get it checked, as the dodgy air/fuel mix COULD result in the car entering limp home mode, which feels like you are driving through thick sludge at a maximum of 15 miles per hour. This happened to me once, resulting in a long wait for an AA man in a pub car park.
Yours,
Gavin Turtletrousers
More of the one post per day stuff for 2011, eh? You are a machine. Anyway, I sympathize with the adjusted expectations. As I grow older, my realism (okay, crushed dreams) kicks in more and more. We don’t all get to be astronauts, but I figured maybe rockstar, right?
Also, I sympathize with the car stuff. We don’t have the all purpose light you reference in your post. Instead, we wake up each winter morning to find that our car has become an ice-casket. We have to take a gallon of hot water outside and pour it into the lock and along the door-end. The seals have completely broken and all I can say is, where is our new car? Oh, that’s right. Money. Gah.
Keep ’em coming, sir.
@docbadwrench
Don’t you have auto part stores that have those little machines that can tell you what “the fuck” is when that light comes on? Mine periodically comes on because my temperature sensor something or other is broken. It would only cost like $8 to replace but by the time I’m ready to go replace it the light always turns off. I don’t want to go to the auto part store and say, “I, uh, need a temperature sensor…thing, something. Just come outside and I’ll point at it.” but without the light on I can’t just make them use their machine and get me the part themselves, so I just forget about it.
We do have auto part stores, but the nearest ones are quite a ways away. Plus they normally charge extortionate prices for even checking things like that, fuckers. I don’t think it’s anything serious this time, just the winter blues.