#oneaday, Day 285: Questions You Probably Never Wanted To Know The Answer To

[Yes, I know I forgot to rename this comic. Deal with it.]

Sometimes topics come up in conversation that make you wonder how on Earth you got onto that subject in the first place. Such was the case when I had a conversation last weekend about whether or not any of us had taken a piss in the shower.

Thanks to the wonder of the Internet, though, it’s possible to get answers to these burning questions at any time. Everything from Twitter to Formspring is set up in such a way to make asking stupid questions very easy.

Sometimes, though, you can’t think of a decent question. So with that in mind, I present to you the answers to five different questions which I have thought up off the top of my head. And if you’d like to ask me anything else, please feel free to do so in the comments or via the “Ask Me Anything” link at the top of the page. Or by clicking here. It’s anonymous and everything.

Have you ever had a wee in the shower?

No. No I haven’t. But I was alarmed to discover that quite a few of my friends – both male and female – have. One friend, who shall remain anonymous, said that “there’s no reason not to, apart from the fact your shower smells a bit of piss afterwards”.

Me, though, I tend to prefer bathroom activities to take place in the receptacles for which they were intended. Piss goes in the toilet. Dirt from your filth-encrusted body goes in the shower or bath.

Have you ever cross-dressed?

Yes. I made a beautiful fairy. See?

So pretty.

What is the strangest thing you have ever put in your mouth?

Deep-fried garlic at some Japanese restaurant in St Marks, New York. (I think.) And yes, deep-fried garlic is exactly what it sounds like. Take one lump of garlic. Deep-fry it. Eat. Surprisingly tasty, but definitely odd.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Four, because you’re too rockin’ for one hand.

Would you rather die from chronic flatulence or ebola?

Chronic flatulence. At lease you’d entertain people as you passed away. And you’d have a priceless moment of everyone you were with looking around slightly uncomfortably, not sure whether they should giggle or call an ambulance.

Of course, you wouldn’t be around to see it. But the sentiment stands.

What is the most horrible noise you can think of?

I have two horrible noises that I dislike. First is that nasty sound polystyrene packaging makes when you pull it out of a box and it goes all “scrapeyscrapeyscrape” and sets your teeth on edge. Second is the sound of people chewing noisily. I know it’s a natural bodily function. But it inexplicably bugs me.

Also, Tinie Tempah is pretty horrendous, too.

Where is the strangest place you have ever slept?

On my birthday during my first year at university, some friends and I went to local “wine bar” Clowns. Calling Clowns a “wine bar” is something of a stretch, as it is actually one of those places with a sticky floor and toilets which regularly leak all over the building. They were offering four-pint jugs of Juicy Lucy for £4 at the time, though, so it seemed like an excellent idea for all of us to drink as many of these as possible.

When we finally got back to our flat, one of my flatmates wore a pair of my (clean) pants on his head for some time. Then another friend who didn’t live in our flat fell asleep on my bed. I fancied a nap too, so the appropriate thing to do appeared to be not to wake up the person in question, but to open up my wardrobe, use my laundry bag as a pillow and fall asleep.

A couple of hours later, the person in question sat bolt upright, walked to the kitchen, ran his head under a tap and then left.

So, to answer the question in a slightly less cumbersome manner… “my wardrobe”.

Want to ask me something else? Do it! I like to think we’ve learned a little something about each other via this process.

Or perhaps you just learned more than you ever wanted to know about me.