#oneaday, Day 111: Post-Mortem

Good morning! Lovely day, isn’t it? Who am I kidding? It’s grey and miserable outside and I woke up at midday. Rather than just lying there stewing in my own self-pity and the stench of a night out, though, I decided to get out into the fresh air and locate some decent coffee before I melted into a puddle of apathy on the floor. Now I’m back and not actually feeling too bad.

After any drunken night out, it’s always wise to take stock of anything stupid you may have done in order to prepare yourself for any potential repercussions. As technology has advanced, the number of ways in which one can humiliate oneself has exponentially increased. Pre-mobile phones, you could just make a twat of yourself in person. Then there were phone calls. Then there were text messages, emails, tweets, Facebook, blogs and all manner of other media with which to do something dumb. Fortunately, the evidence seems to suggest that I only used a few of these last night. This was largely due to the fact my iPhone battery ran out partway through the evening thanks to us all playing with the Omegle app in the pub before moving on to nightclub “Unit”, where ChatRoulette was playing on a big screen, cocks and all.

So, let’s look at the statistics, then.:

Friends getting lost: 1
Friends unable to open their own front door because they were turning their key the wrong way: 1 (the same person)

Phone calls made: 0
Phone calls received: 2 (from the above person)

Voicemails left: 0
Voicemails received: 1 (from the above person)

Text messages sent: 18
Text messages received: 11
Text messages sent to people I shouldn’t have: 0 (whew)
Text messages I regret sending: 0 (double whew)
Text messages along the lines of “I LUV U UR SO AWESOME LOL”: 4
Text messages containing spelling errors: 17
Text messages containing perfect spelling: 1
Text messages containing errant punctuation: 1
Inadvertent mentions of sadistic/masochistic sexual practices: 1

Tweets tweeted: 13
@replies: 1
Mentions of friends trying to kill me: 1
Aspersions cast on friends’ respective sexualities: 2
Aspersions cast on friends’ respective sexualities based on their taste in music: 1
Twitpics/yFrogs: 3
Tweets containing the same picture inadvertently posted twice: 1
Tweets containing hand-drawn “artist’s impressions”: 1
BAP!s: 1
Tweets in ALL CAPS: 0.75
Tweets attempting to quote Annie Lennox songs and failing: 1
Tweets using the hashtag #drunk: 2
Perfectly spelled tweets: 2
Unnecessary requests for readers to fuck off: 1

Blogs posted: 1
Spelling errors in blog: 0
Blog lucidity: 95%
Mentions of men masturbating on webcams being horrifying and compelling at the same time: 1

Not bad. Could be worse. Let’s see a few highlights then, shall we? I hasten to add, these are all ones I sent, not received. Let’s start with some text messages:

Typical post-drunken “THANK YOU FOR AN AWESOME NIGHT!” text. Note the time. I’m impressed I managed to somehow insert a web address and misspell my own name. And what “sebsexbexsusecim” means is anyone’s guess. It’s probably not what you think. Let’s do itcagsin sometime.

The top message covers several of the above bases. We have the “I LUV U UR AWESOME” (“I need to ve ariuvs awesome people and you are awesome. :)”). We have errant punctuation (“..23@@”) and a whole lot of misspelled words. Then underneath we have a beautifully lucid one, proving that the nonsense was more a product of typing too hastily rather than complete spastication. Also, watch out or o can come koj you.

I wasn’t aware my mam was there. Nor do I remember any S&M going on. But it’s all right, because I apologies forcant errors. Note that I appeared to have given up attempting to type “Pete” by this point.

Here are the tweets. I think I can let them speak for themselves. Click for a close-up and read from bottom to top.

And I’ll leave you with my “artist’s impression” of ChatRoulette, drawn using Brushes for iPhone while this very situation was unfolding on the big screen a few metres away from us:

NEXT! NEXT! OH MY GOD! CLICK THE NEXT BUTTON! QUICK!

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