[Warning: This post involves crudely-drawn pictures of dicks and the discussion thereof, and is thereby probably unsafe for work.]
There are two unspoken understandings between men. One of them is this:
[EDIT: Dear Channel 4. I’m trying to promote your material. Why not let me embed a video of one of the funniest scenes to ever be shown on television? Grrruuuuu.]
And the other, less safe for work one, is this:
I have no idea what it is with guys and dick drawing. But there’s something universally understood by it. Perhaps this sketch wasn’t far from the truth:
…though to be perfectly honest, I don’t remember that lesson myself. Maybe it gets erased from your mind, like Men in Black.
I do remember, though, sitting next to a kid named Daniel in my first year at secondary school. It was a Humanities lesson and for some inexplicable reason we took it on ourselves to draw at least one cock on every single page of a textbook called “Discovering the Past”. And we succeeded without being spotted. It was a triumphant moment for the pair of us, and one we never quite managed to recapture the magic of. The book just lent itself to obscene drawings. On one page, there was some sort of flask which Daniel thought was ideally suited for a bell-end to poke out of the end of. And for some inexplicable reason, he added a speech bubble reading “I SCREAM! I SCREAM!”
That image has stuck with me for many a year. I’m not quite sure what I should make of that. And you’re probably not quite sure, either. I apologise.
Still, the fact is that doodling cocks on pieces of scrap paper is something that remains appealing to a large proportion of the male population. There are those who do it and admit to it, and there are those who do it and don’t admit to it. If you speak to a man and he denies ever having drawn a crude todger on a bit of loose paper, he’s probably lying. I personally consider it a sign of close friendship when you’re able to not only hurl light-hearted obscenities at each other verbally, but visually too. Of course, there’s absolutely no question of any real tallywhackers being whipped out – that would be, as the kids say, “a bit gay”. But if you’re with male friends, at a loose end – particularly when you’ve been drinking – and there’s some loose paper around, just see what happens. I have numerous photographs of whiteboards we had in our house that will attest to this. No, I won’t burn your eyes with those right now.
I should probably be faintly ashamed of my sex’s predilection towards drawing its own genitalia. Knobs aren’t, after all, the most photogenic things that there are. But in some ways, it’s nice to recapture that inner child with a childish doodle of a dong.
I hereby apologise for the crudeness of the above post. But I have been drinking. And I needed something to write about. And since our drunken game of Munchkin tonight involved just as much drawing of obscenities on pieces of paper as it did actually playing the game, this seemed as good as anything.
Good night to you. *tips hat*
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My greatest achievement in senior English was covertly and lovingly defacing a Macbeth textbook. I love Shakespeare, but this class was dreadful due to a teacher obviously educating by numbers. In the front of the text was a series of black and white illustrations with character descriptions and a breakdown of the scenes for the troglodytes. I carefully spent a term using tip-ex/white out gaining clear real-estate on various characters, upon which I crafted some of the most vein-ridden penises known to man. No gender was safe. Ladies of the court had python-like phalli appearing from under their dresses, snaking their way across the flagstones. The witches became strange gender-bending hags, their cauldron home to a reclining penis enjoying the hot water. There were about thirty covert penises within the book by the end of the term.
The glorious thing was, this book was returned and made it to extreme notoriety, flying under the radar of the librarians in charge of scouring the tomes for ballpen vandalism. All it took was white-out and an office-grade black pen for students in lower year levels to become that much more interested in Shakespeare.
An epic and inspirational story, sir. I salute you.