One A Day, Day 37: I Have Never

I realise that this game is more fun when you’re drinking and/or sitting in a darkened room with a number of people you’d like to have sex with, but looking at it on this page will have to do for now. Besides, I’m ill. You wouldn’t want to add alcohol to that mix. Nor, I imagine, would you like to add any kind of sexual intimacy to that mix either, unless you have a snot-and-cough fetish. In which case, seek help.

So, without further ado,

I have never…

• …seen Citizen Kane.
• …listened to a Smiths album.
• …been hospitalised.
• …(by extension) had an operation.
• …climbed a rock wall.
• …been to a “developing” country.
• …been on Chatroulette.
• …read Hamlet.
• …played on a Virtual Boy.
• …owned a Sega Master System.
• …owned an NES.
• …listened to anything by Jay-Z and enjoyed it.
• …liked a political party enough to vote for them.
• …shaved my own head.
• …taken ecstasy (even after, some years back, a drunkard saw how I acted after a few too many vodka and Red Bulls and commented “shit, man, you’d LOVE ecstasy”)
• …passed out from drinking too much (and have only suffered memory loss once)
• …written a dissertation (somehow my choice of units at university managed to let me escape that ordeal)
• …had a full-time job in the publishing industry (though I want one)
• …had a job where I am in charge of other people (excepting children)
• …had a job where someone or something hasn’t fucked up the enjoyment of the experience for me at one point or another.
• …watched a Mad Max movie.
• …been able to hold any kind of sports-based conversation.
• …played R-Type.
• …finished reading my two H.P. Lovecraft Omnibus books (despite starting several times).
• …read anything by Ayn Rand.
• …read anything by Nietzsche.
• …understood anything Freud was on about.
• …read a copy of Hello! magazine or any of its odious rivals.
• …opened a copy of Nuts or Zoo magazine.
• …been on a plane by myself (though this will shortly change)
• …employed the services of a lawyer.
• …been in court.
• …been arrested.
• …been caught speeding.
• …had a fight (as an adult, anyway)
• …seen a human corpse.
• …understood why “R&B” music is so popular.
• …listened to an N-Dubz track from start to finish.
• …taken a photograph of my genitalia.
• …taken a photograph of my genitalia and sent it to someone.
• …appeared naked on a webcam.
• …appeared on a webcam to a complete stranger.
• …been in a car accident while driving.
• …been hit by a car.
• …made a list of all the things I’ve never done before.

I think that’s enough for now. There are plenty of things on that list I can live without ever doing and sleep easy at night. I realise that in writing this, I have probably cursed myself and will undoubtedly suffer all the unpleasant things very shortly (probably being caught speeding, crashing into something, being thrown out of my car, then run over, taken to hospital, operated on, then arrested while the whole thing is watched by a webcam) – so if there’s no more entries after this one, you know what happened.