One A Day, Day 48: Freewriting #2

[Here’s another in my occasional series of “Freewriting” articles, where I start the clock for ten minutes and write without stopping – or really thinking as I go along. As a result, the output produced is sometimes not of the finest quality, but it can offer some interesting insights into my own brain.]

Start the clock!

I’m in Costa Coffee. Does the place you’re in when you’re writing affect what you write about? Well, of course it does – the proof is right there. I said “I’m in Costa Coffee” and then started to write about being in Costa Coffee and whether or not that made any difference to what I write about. So yes, yes it does.

I’m having the same trouble as last time with this freewriting lark – being too well-trained means that any time I make a mistake, be it typo or clumsy word formation – I automatically backspace and correct it. It’s an automatic reflex action. I can’t help it. I actually can’t stop myself from doing it. I suppose in so far as bad habits go, there are worse ones to have than an anal attention to detail when it comes to spelling, punctuation and grammar.

I wonder how much I’ll write today? Last time I believe it was in the region of 800 words, which would be consistent with my semi-inhuman typing speed of 85wpm. Can you be semi-inhuman? I don’t know. I’m sure that inhuman things might have more difficulty typing, though, unless they’re intimately familiar with the English language.

One of the toilets here at the coffee shop is closed. The barista has just asked for a “wet floor” sign. One can only imagine the terrors that have undoubtedly been unleashed in the lavatories here. To quote Simon Pegg from Black Books, “One of our valued customers had blocked one of the toilets with Monster Munch! How can we, as a team, get that sorted out?”

Not sure why that popped into my head. I think it’s the sight of a smug Simon Pegg handing a bucket and rubber gloves to a bemused-looking Bill Bailey that is the thing that stayed with me from that episode. Black Books is excellent, incidentally, if you’ve never seen it. It’s completely off-the-wall batshit crazy (and Americans don’t seem to get it, or at least my American sister-in-law didn’t quite seem to get it) but I find it completely hilarious. It’s a very different kind of humour to something like Spaced – absolutely my favourite TV show of all time – but it’s still great, and it introduced me to Dylan Moran, whom I’m constantly confusing with Chris O’Dowd from The IT Crowd. I can’t help it – angry Irish man with curly, wayward hair? Roy from the IT Crowd and Bernard Black have a fair bit in common.

I pressed Shift five times while I was thinking (and typing) there, and Windows decided to do that helpful popup about “StickyKeys”. It’s ironic, really, isn’t it, that the so-called “Accessibility” features of nearly every operating system I’ve used are actually inconvenient to the people who don’t need them. I guess that’s not so strange really.

Three and a half minutes to go, and I haven’t touched my coffee yet. I can’t really touch it while I’m typing though, can I? Not unless I did a very undignified “bend forward and slurp it” sort of manoevre (or however the fuck you spell it – it’s one word I always forget) – but I’ve decided against doing that. Besides, it’s probably too hot anyway.

Hot coffee. Wasn’t there a story a few weeks back about some chav in this country spilling tea over their crotch from McDonalds and attempting to sue, much like the case from America a few years back? Why would you bother to do that? Actually, I know the answer – to get some “free” money. I wouldn’t sue someone if I’d poured hot tea over my balls having been holding the cup between my thighs (as this person had) – I’d be screaming in agony, probably, and refusing to do anything useful for a few weeks, but there’s no way I’d think it was the fault of the person who sold me the damn tea. If they didn’t throw it in my face, it’s my fault for anything that happens once I’ve taken hold of that cup.

Under a minute to go. I wonder if I’ll finish a sentence, or indeed a paragraph in time? I’m up to 734 words… No, 742. WordPress’ word count doesn’t update immediately, so that figure may be off. But still, that’s not bad work for ten minutes non-stop typing, is it? Ten seconds to go. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Bye bye!