2387: Parts of the Modern Age That Probably Sounded Like a Great Idea at the Time, But Which are Actually Shit

It’s 2016! It is the distant future to someone who was born… well, any time before about 1990, I’d say. And with our dash towards the future comes unimaginable technological advancements, many of which have made the world a significantly better place.

And then there are those things that sounded like they might make the world a better place when they were originally suggested, but which have actually turned out to be shit.

Here’s a “best of” collection of what I think are Parts of the Modern Age That Probably Sounded Like a Great Idea at the Time, But Which are Actually Shit.

Push notifications

I remember when the original iPhone launched without Push notifications, and everyone who owned a Nokia N95  looked down their nose at Apple for being so backwards.

Then came push notifications for email, which meant that you could get a little popup on screen telling you when you had new messages.

Then came push notifications for apps, which meant that, say, calendar and task apps could remind you of things even when they weren’t open.

And then the floodgates opened.

Now every fucking thing on your phone clamours for your constant attention all through the day and night, unless you specifically tell it not to. Games complain at you if you haven’t played them for a day or two. Apps bug you to rate them. And somewhere in the middle of all this chaos, the few actually important notifications get lost.

Fuck Push notifications.

Software updates

Hey, mobile phones and computers being always connected to broadband Internet is great, isn’t it? It means that developers can add new functionality and fix bugs “on the fly”, making your experience with their work improve over time!

Well, yes, that’s all very well and good, but I really don’t need my calendar app updating three times every week, nor do I really need any new functionality adding to an app that allows me simply to send messages to my friends. I certainly don’t need all my apps to “refresh” their interfaces every six months, making them completely unrecognisable from what I originally downloaded and, in many cases, significantly worse rather than better to use.

There’s a side-effect of this, too: stupid people now seem to expect constant updates of new “content” and whatnot to their apps, and complain, whine and bleat at developers if they’ don’t “continue to support” their work after they’ve finished it. You know that saying about a work of art never being finished? Pity the poor software developers’, whose work in 2016 is literally never finished.

Disposable media

Hey! In 2016 you can watch a movie at the click of a button or listen to music you haven’t bought. Great, huh?!

Well, yes, until you take a closer look at the general population’s collective attention span and realise that it is now pretty rare for anyone under the age of 25 to listen to a complete three-minute pop song from start to finish, let alone an entire album. Digital media of all types has been completely devalued by the world’s ease of access to it — not to mention the ease with which anyone can produce and publish it.

Speaking of which…

Everyone has a voice

Why bother watching movies or documentaries by people who have years of experience in the field and are quite happy to spend months, even years researching their work, when you can log onto YouTube and watch some dribbling dimwit with a video titled “SOMETHING like THIS??!!” bellow their ill-informed opinions all over your face? Why indeed.

Social media

I caught the tail end of an incredibly obnoxious programmed featuring Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall last night where he set out to publicly shame coffee companies and Amazon for using too much cardboard. He just came across as a tosser.

Unfortunately, this particular use of social media has become more important than its original purpose: actually socialising. And when people aren’t shaming one another, the brands are getting involved with their latest #hashtagcampaign to try and get their product “trending” or “going viral” as quickly as possible.

Git tae fuck.

Everything

Everything is shit. Burn it all. I’m off to go and play board games with my friends and not look at my phone.