One of the most commonly-asked questions from people with no imagination is “what superpower would you have if you… err… had a superpower?” Sometimes they leave out the “err” bit and maybe phrase it a bit better, but it’s been a terribly long day and I’ve written an absolute shitload of content for a number of different outlets today. It’s good to feel like I’m working!

But anyway. What superpower would I have? Well, that’s a simple one to answer because I’ve thought it over many a time: shapeshifting.

Come on. Being a shapeshifter would be awesome. You could turn into a cat and sleep all day, or use your agility to escape from assailants. You could turn into someone of the opposite sex and answer that question that’s been bugging you all these years. Yes, that one. I know what you’re thinking. You could turn into a xylophone and allow someone to play you as a party trick.

Of course, there are spectacular opportunities for wrongdoing if you can make yourself look like absolutely anyone else. The temptation to mess with people would be enormous. Fortunately, I like to think I’m the sort of guy who would be able to resist such base temptations. Except if the opportunity arose to fuck with four particular people, who are the only people in the world I hold grudges against and probably always will. Bunch of bastards.

But anyway, that aside, I would use my powers for good — though precisely how is something I haven’t quite thought of, yet. I guess I could get a job as a body double for someone rich, famous and/or important and put myself at risk of being shot. Unfortunately, of course, being a shapeshifter probably doesn’t mitigate the damage from a bullet (unless you pull an Odo and liquefy yourself immediately as the projectile hits you, which needs some seriously lightning reactions, although given I managed to catch a completely full pint glass from falling off a table without spilling any once, I think I might be able to avoid a bullet) so that might not be the best plan.

I could make public appearances for celebrities who are too lazy to go out and do them themselves. But then the temptation to do bad and wrong things comes up again. Get hired by Cheryl Cole to take her place opening a supermarket or something, and the natural urge would, of course, be to get one’s tits out and run around shouting “Wark! Wark! Cock!” Or something. You know. I haven’t really thought it through that much.

I guess it actually wouldn’t be that “useful” per se, but it would certainly be interesting to be able to change your appearance completely at will. That way you can genuinely see who is bullshitting you when they say they don’t care about appearance.