One thing I have been gradually coming to realise — or perhaps more accurately, accept — since I was diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder in (checks) 2017 is that… you seemingly don't get any help. At least not by default. I probably could get some help if I went and asked for it, but I sort of feel like being diagnosed with a condition should probably be some sort of automatic trigger for someone to get help, or at the very least, advice.

But no. While I am glad I got my diagnosis as it helps me understand a bunch of things about myself that I had always been a tad frustrated by in the past, there is still a whole lot that I don't know — and if I hadn't specifically gone looking for the information myself, I probably wouldn't have found out.

Now, I'm kind of hesitant to do this, because I simply don't trust the Internet at large to provide reliable medical advice these days, but there are sources that, one would hope, set themselves up to be reputable and authoritative, so if I do go looking for information, I seek out those sources wherever possible.

One thing I learned about today is known as a "shutdown" or, to some, an "autistic implosion". This is where an autistic person, when confronted with an uncomfortable situation, a high level or stress or overstimulation in general, closes themselves off, puts their shields up and seemingly becomes quite non-responsive in terms of interpersonal interactions, emotions and suchlike.

I've been aware that I do this for a long time — up to and including very recently — but it had never really occurred to me that it, too, is a symptom of being on the spectrum. But sure enough, as I read this piece from an Australian autism charity earlier — one of those sources that I judged to (hopefully) be reputable — I found myself recognising more and more things, including behaviours that I had engaged in long before I knew that I was autistic.

Experiencing a shutdown is very strange, because you're often conscious that you're doing it. You're aware that everything is becoming too much, but rather than wanting to lash out at it (which leads to the opposite, but equally possible, reaction known as a meltdown) you just want to… retreat. Hide. Get out of there as soon as possible.

And this reaction, this desire to flee the situation I was in… that is all too familiar. I'm pretty sure this also ties in with the bouts of depression I have where I just feel like I'm suspended in a bubble, barely aware of anything that is going on around me, only half-conscious of the fact that I'm just staring into space, my mind constantly going around and around and around the same thing over and over, even though doing so is what is driving me deeper into that shutdown.

I kind of wish that, having been diagnosed, I could have had some proper time with a therapist who knows and understands autism, who could explain the various situations and behaviours that I'm likely to encounter and be more conscious of, now I better know who I am — and perhaps how to cope with them. Because there's no "curing" these situations; it's just part of the person I am. But there are ways to manage my environment and the situation I'm in to make them less likely to happen — and to cope with them more effectively when they do arise.

Perhaps it's time to bite the bullet and seek out some sort of private therapy. Two things have, up until now, discouraged me from doing that, though: the cost, and the choice paralysis that comes with deciding exactly who would be an appropriate therapist for me. Because it turns out there are a lot of them. I've also not really been sure what I'm looking for when seeking a therapist — but I think today's revelations are telling me that what I should really be seeking out is exactly what I describe above: someone who knows about and understands autism, and who can help me understand the behaviours and feelings I'm likely to experience, and suggest some ways to manage and cope with them.

Food for thought. I will mull it over.

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The post #oneaday Day 246: They don't tell you anything appeared first on I'm Not Doctor Who.

First of all, here's my result. I will add a disclaimer to this that online tests like this are not a substitute for getting actually diagnosed by a professional, but the questions used in tests like this are much like the ones you'll be asked if and when you are professionally diagnosed. Basically, use things like this as a guide to determine whether or not you might want to seek additional information, not as a diagnosis in themselves.

Fixations and Restricted Interests

These are both areas that I scored highly on, and this will not be surprising to anyone who knows me. My interests are relatively limited in scope — writing, video games and music — but I enjoy each of them deeply. When I involve myself in them, they are the things I focus on, and there are times when I'm not able to indulge at least one of those interests that I start feeling restless.

The obvious benefit of fixations and a limited spectrum of interests is that they are comforting and familiar — a good place to "retreat" to when things get difficult. But they can also make one prone to being inflexible and not open to new experiences.

I don't think I'm particularly closed to new experiences per se, but particularly in more recent years, I have found my existing interests to be of increasing comfort — and frustrating when others that I care about don't seem to share my passion and enthusiasm for them.

Flat Speech

This is one I didn't score particularly highly on as I believe it's something that I've actually worked on and improved in more recent years — my work on YouTube in particular has been a key part of that.

But I recognise that there are situations where I don't feel comfortable "letting loose" or showing exaggerated emotions, even if I'm actually feeling those things. I guess that falls into this category, too, and it's something I've always found a bit difficult.

I think part of it is a self-perception thing; I see the potential me reacting in various ways and thinking that people will mock me for it — or, at the very least, tell other people how I reacted, and I don't like it when people talk about me like that. It's hard to pin down why I feel that way — surely it's nice for someone to hear when someone they know was happy? — but I've always felt that way. And thus it's just sort of easier to… not react in a particularly strong way.

Noise Sensitivity

This is something that has definitely gotten worse in more recent years. I talked recently about how the venues for my work Christmas party were much too loud for me to cope with, and my extreme-feeling reactions to that are definitely a recent issue, as I used to go out to noisy clubs and bars with friends all the time when I was a bit younger.

For me, I don't think it's so much the noise itself that bothers me, more that the noise makes doing other things — such as having a conversation with someone — difficult. There are few social situations I enjoy less than having a yelled conversation with someone sitting right next to me and having to ask them to repeat themselves multiple times. It makes me feel inordinately self-conscious and want to nope out of that conversation as quickly as possible.

Elsewhere in the world of noise sensitivity, I feel like I've always been able to hear some things that others couldn't. I could always hear CRT whine when other people around me couldn't, for example, and I often pick out sounds that Andie can't hear. Part of this is doubtless down to my musical training — I can easily pick out individual lines in an ensemble piece, for example — but it's also partly the condition talking.

Social Difficulty

Probably my biggest bugbear. I do not remember how to make friends, and I have had tremendous trouble holding on to friends as time has gone by. Self-confidence issues relating to my body image have exacerbated this problem considerably in the last 5 years or so, too, though they have always been present to an extent.

There's not a lot more I can say about this, really. I don't dislike socialising with people, but I like it to be in a situation where I feel in control of my part in the situation — and free to leave, if need be — and can actually hear what's going on.

Anxiety

Yep. Perpetual worrying has only gotten worse as time has gone on. In retrospect, I have suffered this for many years of my life, probably from childhood onwards, but it's been a particular problem in my adult life. I had a nervous breakdown during my teaching career, I have traumatic flashbacks to various events in my life I'd rather not recall and sometimes my brain just panics for no real reason.

Motor Issues

I wouldn't say this is a major problem for me, but I am quite clumsy and always have been, and during childhood I was believed to be dyspraxic. I even had one of those funny rubber pen holder things that would supposedly make me hold it properly.

I don't particularly struggle with day-to-day getting around and stuff, and there are elements of precision — like playing a musical instrument, say — where I'm absolutely fine, but it doesn't surprise me that this is a consideration when talking about autistic spectrum disorders.

Eye Contact Issues

Ties in with the social stuff. I'm not always at ease even when having a conversation with someone I like and am close to, and I will often avoid eye contact. I can feel myself doing it, and I am also very conscious of other people using eye contact in ways that are different to me, such as maintaining eye contact or continuing to look at someone even when not actively addressing them.

Tics, Fidgets and Repetitive Behaviours

These came out surprisingly high. I'm not someone who rocks back and forth or makes repetitive noises or anything like that, but there are little things I do when I'm anxious (or bored), such as fiddling with my beard. I can't say that they're conscious coping mechanisms that I deliberately do, but I occasionally notice myself falling into these habits.

Aggression

I'm generally not a super-angry person, or I try not to be anyway, but when things go unexpectedly wrong I sometimes react with what would probably be considered a disproportionate amount of upset or frustration. I am especially susceptible to demonstrating aggressive tendencies if my routines or fixations are disturbed somehow, but it's more common that I'll feel anxiety or depression rather than anger.

Depression

"Individuals with ASD may experience feelings of isolation, sadness and hopelessness."

Tick, tick and tick.

So that's that. If you want to take the test yourself, you can find it here. If you do take it, please bear in mind my disclaimer above!

Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

If you want this nonsense in your inbox every day, please feel free to subscribe via email. Your email address won't be used for anything else.

The post #oneaday Day 204: What it means to be "on the spectrum" appeared first on I'm Not Doctor Who.